Dear Cas
by MaggieMaybe160
Summary: Castiel stumbles upon a stash of letters all addressed to him from Dean. He knows he shouldn't read them because they're private but they are addressed to him.
1. Chapter 1

Cas found himself alone in the bunker. It wasn't the first time he had been here alone but it was the first time he had the urge to snoop. He opened and closed every door, looking into rooms and walking out again. He pushed open Dean's room. On his nightstand was an old book on top of an old copy of "Busty Asian Beauties." Cas sat down on Dean's bed and picked up the magazine. He looked around as if expecting Dean to come into his room any second and tell him off for looking at porn in his room. He opened it.

Instead of finding the scantily clad women in various positions, Cas found pictures taped and glued in pictures of himself and Dean. There was one of the two of them when Sam had taught them what a selfie was. There was one that Sam must have taken of Dean and Cas by the impala talking. There was the photo of the patchwork family of Dean's taken right before Ellen and Jo had died. Cas ran his fingers over Dean's funny expression and turned the page. Folded pages of different colors and sizes, all obviously ripped from books, were taped or shoved into the magazine. Cas unfolded the first letter.

 _To Castiel,_

 _I don't exactly know how to pray. Sam told me he prays. I've never done it. It feels awkward. I can never tell if you can hear me, if you're ignoring me, or if I'm just doing it wrong. I also don't want other angels to hear me. I don't know if they can._

 _This letter I guess is a prayer but I don't know if praying is supposed to be done in a church, outloud, kneeling, or if I just think your name you'll hear me. That scares me a little. If you heard me every time I thought your name then I can see why you'd be avoiding me._

 _Don't take that the wrong way. I mean it doesn't mean anything. Sometimes I just keep thanking you for bringing me back. Sometimes I think about what you were trying to say to me when I crawled out of my grave and your real voice almost killed me._

 _I'm lying. I shouldn't lie in a prayer, right? It's private and no one will know what I'm really praying. Right? I need to get it out of my head. There's no one else I can tell. I just want to stop thinking about you all the time. I want to stop seeing you in all of my dreams. I don't, though. I should._

 _-DW_

Cas folded it back up with trembling fingers and told himself silently to stop. This was an invasion of privacy. He didn't care. They were addressed to him. He pulled another one at random and opened it up.

 _Dear Cas,_

 _The angel with the dirty trench coat that loves me. That's what Balthazar said to me. I can't stop hoping he's telling the truth. He's probably messing with me and I shouldn't let it get to me. It got to me. You got to me._

 _\- The hunter with the dirty flannel that's in love with you._

Cas read it over three times before running his fingers over the scrawled letter and folding it back up. He flipped the page to another collage of pictures. Cas looked at his own face, stern and confused. He saw a picture of a pissed off Dean and an embarrassed looking human Cas sitting at the table in the bunker eating. Cas ran his fingers over the glossy photos of him and Dean sitting, standing, talking, laughing together. He pulled out another letter.

 _Cas,_

 _Everything is falling apart. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. You're… gone. Bobby. Sam can't keep it together forever. Frank says to keep smiling but I don't know how long I can keep it up. I killed Amy and it's eating me up knowing it hurt Sam._

 _I need you. Please come back._

 _-DW_

Cas sifted through the pages, his eyebrows creasing together as he read more and more of

Dean's letters to him. His heart was pounding in his chest, not out of necessity, but emotion.

 _Dear Cas,_

 _I feel guilty about the way I feel about you. Somewhere behind the you that I know, the man whose vessel you have could be alive. Even if he isn't- I'll never know what you look like really. I dream of your blue eyes but they aren't really yours. Even if I could be with you (I know I can't) what if he was awake somewhere in there? Would I feel the same way if you had a different vessel? I don't want to think about it. I feel guilty._

 _-DW_

Cas pushed the letters back into the magazine and flipped through the pages. More pictures were glued and taped. More pages of letters stuck into the magazine. Cas felt like the room was spinning. Dean's messy handwriting on all of the pages made him feel dizzy. A torn piece of paper fell from the magazine in Cas's lap and he looked down at it. It wasn't folded.

 _I love you Castiel. I love you._

Cas picked it up and put it back in with the rest of the things he wasn't supposed to know about. He wanted to find Dean and kiss him. He wanted to write a letter in response to every letter Dean had written him. He wanted to look at the pictures forever. He wanted to tell Dean he's always loved him.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Cas,

There's not a day that goes by that I wish you weren't here. Every time we fight you say that Sam and I only call you when we need you. If I called you every time I needed you, you wouldn't be able to do anything away from me.

I used to dream about the djin dream I was given. Sam was with Jess and Mom was alive. I used to dream about it the way it was when the djin had given me Carmen from the beer ads. I had the dream again recently except Carmen wasn't there. You were. In the dream I wake up next to you. It used to be Carmen. Whenever it was Carmen, I would get out of bed and call Sam, confused. You were who I woke up next to. Instead of getting up and calling Sam I rolled over and pulled you against me. In the djin dream I was the family drunk, a mechanic who had a bad relationship with his brother. When the dream changed to you… I worked at Bobby's restoring impalas. Sam was a lawyer engaged to Jessica. Dad was still gone, but everyone had come to terms with it. Sam and I were still brothers in every sense of the word. I didn't want to wake up, Cas.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I realized something today. By our old definitions, angels are monsters. I'm in love with a monster. I don't think you're a monster. I think the definition has changed and is subjective. I think you're a beautiful angel and that I'm a little drunk right now. Tonight is not a good night.

I hate this stupid mark on my arm. I hate feeling like this. I want to kill myself. I want it all to stop. I need you to help me.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I'm going to kill myself and this is my note. If you find this, I'm dead. I love you, Castiel. I have loved you for a long time. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to feel this way. I thought I could handle this and I couldn't. I'm sorry that I'm weak. Take care of Sam for me. Don't let him try to bring me back. Don't let him go off the rails. Help him.

If I thought I was going to heaven I'd tell you to come see me in my cell and tell me how things are going. I'd tell you to come see me and I'll be completely honest with you. I don't think I'm going to heaven. I don't think I could ever actually go to heaven after the things I've done.

I need you to know and understand that I love you. I don't love you like a brother. I didn't tell you that you were basically a Winchester because Sam and I have adopted you as our brother. I love you like I've never actually loved anyone. I love you how I wanted to love Lisa. I wish I'd told you before. Now you know.

Goodbye, Castiel, Angel of the Lord.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I had a dream that I just woke up from. I haven't even turned the light on to write this. I loved the dream. I want it back.

I crawled out of my grave in that field. You stood there with your backwards tie and messed up hair and you helped me stand. My shoulders burned where you had pulled me up from Hell. You looked the same as you had that day in the barn. You told me you were Castiel and you were the one who "gripped me tight and raised me from perdition." I told you I knew who you were and kissed you.

I woke up when your hand touched my shoulder and the pain. I don't know why it hurt. I need that dream back. Goodnight Cas.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Sometimes when I'm on a hunt, I get so hurt I think I'm going to die. Sometimes Sam saves me. Sometimes I save me. When you save me it's different. It's blinding light and a knight in filthy trench coat.

I remember when I had just been beaten badly by Lucifer right before Sam jumped into the pit with Michael. You came back and you were everything. Pain melted away and I could see you clearly. You brought Bobby back. I had been stupid to not be thankful that you had saved us but my mind was on the fact that Sam was gone.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I don't think I ever told you that I'm a dad. You already know about Ben. You're the one who confirmed that the demon who'd had Lisa wasn't lying when it had said that Ben was mine. I had a daughter, too. Sam and I had been hunting and we found ourselves mixed up in a case involving Amazons. My daughter went from conceived to teenager in three days. Her name was Emma and Sam killed her to save me.

I don't want to say that I never want kids. I used to think that was true. It was never an option to me after the upbringing I had. When I was with Lisa, I got to take care of Ben. I got to babysit a baby and care for it. When we were saving that shapeshifting infant, I took care of it. When you were called to rescue Claire Novak, I wanted to take care of her, too. She isn't your child per say, but she is your responsibility since you- I don't know how to say this. Since you occupy her dad's body. It doesn't matter anyway. I just thought you should know.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I used to sleep out of necessity only. I would sleep when I was exhausted and wake a few hours later to keep working. I never tried to recall my dreams or think anything more of a nightmare. Now, I dream of you and I want to dream. I want to climb into bed when it's dark not just when I'm too tired to stand. I want to fall asleep and I want to see you there in my dreams.

I know it isn't the real you. I know that when I wake up I still won't tell you that I love you because you could never feel the same way about me. I love the dreams where I get to tell you that I love you. I get to hold you and kiss you. I love the dreams as simple as holding your hand.

Meet me in my dreams.

-DW


	3. Chapter 3

Cas's hands were really shaking now. He didn't know how to stop them. He opened the drawer on Dean's end table and picked up the only pen that was in there. He uncapped it and picked up the book that had been on top of the magazine when he had walked in. He flipped to the back of the book and tore out one of the blank pages from the back before starting to write.

Dear Dean,

I wasn't supposed to find this. Was I? I want to be able to answer every letter but that would take more time than I have. You and Sam will be coming back to the bunker soon and I still have to put everything back where I found it so you won't know.

I don't know if you'll find it in your own stash of letters, but that is where I will put this. There isn't a more appropriate spot. I have to believe you will notice that this single letter isn't in your own hand and will read it.

I can't hear you every time you think my name. I can hear you when you pray to me outloud. "I pray to Castiel to get his feathery ass down here." "Cas, you got your ears on?" "Cas, are you there?" I always have my ears on. I don't know if there is any way to take them off safely. I will always hear you and I will always do my best to come to you. I always have.

Angels aren't supposed to fall in love. When they do they aren't supposed to fall in love with a human. The rules only seem to apply to heterosexual relationships, though. The reason angels aren't supposed to fall in love with humans is so there will never be Nephilim. I did fall in love with a human. Balthazar wasn't lying when he told you that I was in love with you, Dean.

Angels don't sleep. You know that already. I remember the first time I fell asleep as a human. I didn't understand what was happening. I always saw you. The first time I dreamed, I acted like we always do. I acted my best that it didn't take every ounce of self control to not let you know how I feel about you. The second time I confessed to dream you and dream you loved me back. I loved sleeping, too.

I remember the first time I saw you outside of hell. When I got close enough, you stabbed me in the heart with your demon blade. I could feel the pain the vessel felt and that is what it felt like to read how you love me. I love you too. When you were hidden from angles after I carved enochian into your ribs, it felt like being blinded by someone's bare hands. I hated every moment of not being able to see and hear you.

I heard every prayer you prayed to me that year when you were with Lisa and Ben. I always came to you right away but you couldn't see me because I didn't want you to see the sorry excuse for an angel that I had become. I didn't want you to see how much it was hurting me to be away from you. You seemed happy in that suburban life except for when you would pray to me. You prayed every night and every night I listened. You had stopped asking me to come to you. You were praying for me to tell you if Sam came back. You prayed telling me you needed me but I thought that was because of the emotional trauma and had nothing to do with me personally. I'm glad I was wrong.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I love you, Dean Winchester. I just don't know what I'm allowed or supposed to do about it.

Love,

Castiel

Cas folded the letter and kissed it gently before putting it between the last two pages in the magazine. He placed everything back where it had been and left the room exactly as it had been when he'd entered it. His heart was still pounding.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean didn't find the answer that Cas had left him. When Dean had gone into his room that night, he sat on his bed where Cas had sat and picked up the magazine. He didn't feel like writing tonight. He opened his secret stash and started pulling his old letters out to read them.

Dear Cas,

When I die, will I go to heaven? When I die will you stop living on Earth and come stay with me in my own heaven? I don't want to think about living an eternity after I die and never seeing you again. I know it's selfish to want you to give up life on Earth to be with me in a tiny bit of heaven. I just can't imagine it any other way. My heaven wouldn't be mine if you weren't there with me.

If I go back to hell will you bring me back again? I like to think that you're as lost without me as I am without you even though it's not true.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I think I'm in love. Let me tell you about them. He is hilarious and oblivious and serious in an endearing kind of a way. He lights up every room he walks into. His tie is always backwards and I don't understand why. I think it's cute. He's too powerful to be just cute, though. He's got so much power and the only way you'd know is if you've fought with or against him. I can see it in his eyes. They are always so intense. They are a deep blue that could kill you. His hair is so dark it's almost black sometimes. Everything about him is handsome and beautiful to me. He's so literal and he has seen so much. I could listen to him read the phonebook and never get bored. I've never felt this way about anyone. I've never wanted to feel this way about anyone. I want to tell him. I want to tell the whole world. I found someone I can have both with. He can fight and hunt. I wouldn't have to give up a part of me to be with him. I wouldn't have to sacrifice a single thing. I can't tell him, though. He would never feel the same way about me. You would never feel the same way about me.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I forgot me recently. I remember most of the things that happened while I was hexed and I promised Rowena I'd forget them. You weren't there of course. Sam had me tell myself a few things in the mirror as I forgot them. He told me my name. He told me he was my brother, Sam. He told me my best friend was Castiel. My best friend.

Rowena told me stories while Sam hunted down the family and the spellbook. She told me the story of how she became a witch and she told me the story of Dean, Sam, and their Angel best friend. My best friend.

When the spell was first broken I felt like I hadn't seen you in years. I wanted to call you and hug you and cry because I'd forgotten you. My best friend.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I love you. I forgive you. Just come back. I love you so much. I need you to come back. I can't do this without you. I love you, Cas.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I am not proud of myself. Her name was Cassidy and she had hair that was so dark brown it was almost black. I called your name. I left almost immediately. I'm sorry, Cas.

-DW

Dear Cas,

When Meg takes care of you I don't hate her. I envy her. I wish I could sit by your side in that hospital all day and make sure you got better. I wish I could hold your hand and promise you that it gets better.

I want to sit by your side and tell you stories. I want to read you all of the letters I have written you. I want to kiss your forehead and whisper to you that I love you as you fall asleep. I want to save you from Sam's hallucinations.

I love you to pieces, little broken angel of mine. I will find a way to glue you back together if it is the last thing I do.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I'm on the hood of the impala. I've been drinking. The sky is the color of your eyes when it's night. I miss you. I keep falling in and out of sleep here. When I close my eyes I see you. When I open them I am reminded of you. I want to be able to reach out and kiss you.

Castiel.

-DW

Dean picked up the small unfolded piece of paper. _I love you Castiel. I love you._ It was in the wrong page. Maybe he'd moved it. He put all the letters back and flipped to look at the pictures. His heart ached as he looked through the pictures he'd taken of Cas when they had found an old disposable camera with a few slots left.

Cas with his head cocked to the side as he looked at the camera through the window of the impala. Cas leaning over a table in the bunker to look over Sam's shoulder at an old book. Cas holding out a piece of pie.

Dean closed the magazine and put it back before turning away from it and closing his eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

Cas sat in the silent bunker. Dean was in his room sleeping. Sam was in his room sleeping. Cas was rereading the letters in his mind. He decided to write another letter to Dean. He tore a page out of a book on the shelf in the library and grabbed a pen before going back to his room.

Dear Dean,

I have loved you and I will always love you.

My brother possessed my vessel and he told me awful things that I thought were true until I found your magazine. He made me want to give up living. He made me think I had nothing left to live for. He told me that he knew how I felt for you, a human, and he also knew you would never love me back. He told me you tried to ignore that you knew how I felt about you but you were repulsed by it. I wanted to die. I gave up.

I read your letters and I want to tell you that I love you too. I want to but I don't know what else is keeping you back from telling me. You've already said in your letters to me that being with me wouldn't take a sacrifice yet you stay silent. Even if you don't believe I return your feelings, you can tell me anything without fear of rejection or judgement. I just want your happiness.

Love,

Castiel

Cas had promised himself he would never go unseen around the Winchesters again. He would never sneak unseen, making himself invisible. He had promised himself that much after Dean had found out that he had been spying on them. He broke his promise now. He folded the letter he had just written and appeared in Dean's room.

Dean was lying face down on top of the covers fully clothed. His head was turned away from where the book and magazine sat. Cas quietly picked up the magazine and put his second letter into a random page before silently going back to his own room.


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Cas,

I met a man twice. His name was Geoffrey. The first time I met him he was possessed by a demon and he gave us permission to assault him to exorcise the demon. A few years later we found him again and I found out that he was just a serial killer who was in love with the demon who had possessed him. He said he felt empty and depressed without his demon there. I couldn't help but think that I felt empty and depressed without my angel there. You never possessed me, but I wonder what that would feel like. Geoffrey summoned the demon but the demon didn't repossess him. It took over someone else and I watched Geoffrey's sick and twisted heart break in his eyes. I felt for him before I killed him.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I feel stupid writing these letters. It might be a small relief to feel like I'm telling you the truth but I know that I'm not. Someone could find all of these and then what? Sometimes I want to burn all of them and never write to you again. I can't give it up. Everytime I think I'm going to, I can't bring myself to do it. These letters mean everything to me sometimes.

Every time I kill myself or get killed and come back I think that I'm finally going to give you the stupid magazine and tell you that I mean every word. I've gotten so close, too. I don't think I could take it if you didn't feel the same way. At least in not telling you, you can't let me down. I'm the only one letting me down.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I had a dream and for the first time in a long time it was a good dream. We were on the hood of the impala next to each other. I could feel your shoulder against mine. I moved my hand to hold yours and you held it. You were telling me the stories that belonged to all of the constellations and which of the stories were true.

It's four in the morning and I can't go back to sleep. I'm happy for this moment and I love the feeling. I'm completely alone in this happiness and everywhere around me is silent. I'm sitting on the impala and drinking coffee. It's not often I'm alone and it's even rarer that I'm happy when I'm alone.

I want to learn enochian and surprise you someday by using it with you in conversation. It would be like the end of Love Actually when Jamie learns Portuguese. I could do that with enochian.

-DW

To Castiel,

I barely know you but I want to call you all the time. Then you call me and I want to tell you to get lost. I want to know why you raised me from hell because I'm pretty sure god doesn't give a shit about me. Maybe it's wishful thinking that the cute angel who rescued me did it because he wanted to and not because I was pardoned by heaven.

Whose body do you have anyway? Who are you possessing? Does possession work the same for angels as demons? How does that make angels any better than demons? Is the man you're wearing married? Does he have children? Does he have a life that he'll never be able to go back to? Is he still alive and awake in there?

I want to know the answers but I couldn't care less because it's you. I don't even know you and I'm ready to defend you.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Every time you say "Hello, Dean" my heart jumps. When you stand close enough to kiss I wish I didn't have to force myself not to.

Remember when we thought you had one night to live and I found out you were a virgin? It killed me a little to bring you to a girl because it could have been me. You messed it up anyway so there was nothing to worry about, but it could have been me. When you did have sex for the first time it did hurt me. I guess I had told myself that maybe you were waiting for me to stop hiding.

It's my own fault. I've had time to tell you or make a move. It broke my heart watching you fall for Meg because she loved you back and there was no reason to stand in the way if it made you as happy as you were.

-DW

Cas,

You were right. You gave up everything. You gave up your home in heaven for me and Sam. I didn't see it going another way, though. I had to try. I was going to try. You beat the living hell out of me. I thought you were going to end me. You looked down on me with so much anger in your eyes as you yelled and slammed your fists into my face. I watched the anger drain out of you. I'm sorry I made you do it.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I've made a lot of bad decisions in my life. Telling you to leave is up there with the worst and the most painful. I'm sorry. I can't take it back and I can't tell you I'm sorry and to come back. I want to but I can't. You have to understand.

I can't forgive myself for this one.

-DW


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Cas,

It's too late. I'm too late. I don't know how long I sat with you on the ground and cried. I don't remember pulling your body into my arms and sobbing. I don't know when Sam came out of that house. I barely heard a word he said if he said anything. Everything is numb. This isn't like the other times I thought you were dead. This time your wings were burned into the ground like every angel death I've seen.

I don't know where Sam went. I don't know where anyone is. I can't think. I need you back. I can't do this without you. You weren't supposed to die first. You weren't supposed to die. Remember? You promised me that I would die first.

Dean threw the pen he was holding and almost ripped up the letter he was writing. He wiped a hand over his face to wipe the tears away. He thumbed through the magazine on his lap and stopped. He had never put a letter in the last page of the magazine. He pulled it out and opened the letter. _Dear Dean._ He opened every letter and found five more that weren't in his own crappy handwriting. _Dear Dean. Dear Dean. Dear Dean._ His heart slammed in his chest as he opened them.

Dear Dean,

It's become a game now. I assume you haven't found the other letters. As often as I can, I read the beautiful letters you write and I respond, placing my response among them. At first I was disappointed when you never mentioned my letters or even yelled at me for invading your privacy. Now I love to write you back.

I used to think about doing something similar to this before I found out about the letters. I used to imagine if I could pray back to you and have you hear it. The result is the same. You never hear them. You never read them.

I can proclaim my love for you in writing and give them to you every single day for the rest of your life and you still wouldn't know how I feel about you.

You've said how hugging me is both a relief and agony at the same time. You are, as you put it, a dumb-ass if you think it doesn't hurt me as well. You don't know half of the things that hurt me. Every time you call me a brother, you stab me and twist. I believed Lucifer when he told me you didn't care for me as I care for you because you cover your love for me with the words of family and brotherhood. I want to be Sam's brother. Not yours.

I don't know if this is something you remember or not. You like to give creatures made up names and I find it endearing. You asked me once over the phone to call a creature a were-pire. I don't know if you heard me but I did. I felt ridiculous but I did it.

I haven't addressed your confession about children because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say about it. Claire is adamant that I am not her father and never will be. I erased Lisa and Ben's memories of you. The shape shifter child is dead. I have never been given the option to think about procreating. Angels generally don't have a use for reproduction. I have been asked to raise the child of Lucifer. I don't know if that means you want to raise the Nephilim with me or if I will be protecting it from being slaughtered by everyone including you.

I want to tell you I love you daily even as I run from you and hide to try to protect you from this world and war. I can't tell you I love you or show you affection aside from hugging you or a quick clap on the shoulder. I do love you. You have to understand that I'm doing this for you. I'm sorry, Dean.

Love,

Castiel

Dear Dean,

When you die I will make sure you go to Heaven. Even if you are pulled down to Hell, I will bring you up to Heaven personally. You ask that I leave Earth and stay with you in your Heaven. It is a selfish request but one I have considered every day since I read it. I don't think Earth would be as enjoyable or hospitable or worth the fighting if you weren't there. I will take you up on your offer if the offer still stands by the time you die.

I met your mother. I didn't have warning and I would have been a better version of myself if I had known. I would have done things differently. All she sees is a monster when she looks at me. She didn't meet me when I thought you were alive. I regretted many things all at once about the way that we met. I don't think she'll ever approve of me as your friend let alone as someone who wishes to be your suitor.

When I found out you were alive I was so relieved I could have kissed you. I was destroyed when you were telling me goodbye. I thought I was saying goodbye to you forever. You told me to take care of Sam but you were always the one who took care of me. Who was going to take care of me now? You came back, though.

Love,

Castiel

Dear Dean,

I don't know what to say in this letter. I'm in love with you and that makes you my greatest weakness. I think everyone knows it now except you. I don't know how I'm supposed to tell you as I'm leaving again. I do love you but I don't have time to write you how much I do. That could take centuries. I only have minutes.

Goodbye, Dean. I love you.

Love,

Castiel


	8. Chapter 8

Dean's letters were scattered all over the back of the impala surrounding Dean as he read and reread Cas' responses with shaking hands. The magazine lay on the floor, the pages bent from falling face down when Dean had ripped the letters out. "No. No. Cas, no." Dean sobbed.

Dear Cas,

Today I found out about Destiel. I don't know if you know what that is. Do you remember those "Supernatural" books by Chuck? The fans do something called "shipping". Sam explained it to me a long time ago when we first found out about the books. Destiel is where people want you and me to get together. I was more than a little surprised. Then again, people also want Sam and I together and that's just wrong. Sam made fun of it.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I feel poisonous. Sam could have been a lawyer if I had left him out of this whole thing. Maybe Jess would still be alive if I hadn't come to get him. You would still be one of heaven's finest instead of heaven's most wanted. Kevin would be alive. So much bad that had happened would never have happened if not for me. It kills me to be away from you but it'll kill you to be near me.

If I had died when I was supposed to die, back when I electrocuted myself, everyone would be much better off. You never would have ad to rescue me from hell. Sam could have gone back to college, found another girl, become some successful guy. Even after that. I could have just died when Tessa first came for me after the car crash. I should have died.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I convinced myself for a long time that either love didn't exist or it wasn't for me. It was easier to think that it didn't exist before I saw the way Sam looked at Jess. It existed for them. After that I thought that maybe it wasn't for me. Then I met you.

Why did I have to meet you? Everything is different now. I care if I live or die now. I care what you think of me. I didn't pray before I met you and now I pray to you every chance I get.

Currently watching Brokeback Mountain. I see my dad in Ennis' father. I see more of him in that character than I'd like to admit.

-DW

Cas,

I slept with Anna. I don't know why I'm telling you other than the fact that when she laid her hand over your handprint on my shoulder I saw you. When I slept, Uriel came to me and told me you liked me and those words by themselves make me feel. It's wishful thinking that those words mean what I want them to mean, though.

Anna told me that she saw what I did in hell. Did you? Do you know what I did in hell? Have you seen what I've done? Have you already forgiven me or are you pretending it didn't happen? I tried so hard not to do what I did. I said no for so long. I didn't mean to enjoy doing it. I didn't mean to enjoy slicing into souls and torturing them as I had been tortured. Forgive me.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I watched the life go out of you. I fought but when I looked back at you and held your face in my hands I felt the life go out of me too. I called your name hoping maybe you weren't dead yet but I was too late.

I lied to you when you woke up. I lied to Sam. Ezekiel healed you for me. He used what little power he had to bring you back to me. When you opened your eyes again I felt so much relief even though Sam was on the floor reeling from the lack of power. I told you some stupid story about lying and making a deal with the reaper to bring you back. I'm sorry I keep lying to you. Someday I'll stop.

When you told me you had had sex with April I was proud, disappointed, amused, heart broken, and I'll be honest, a little aroused. I've watched too much porn.

When Ezekiel told me you had to leave I wanted to fight back. I did fight back. I never want you out of my sight especially now that I've seen you be killed. You're so new to being a human and I don't want to find you like that ever again. For Sam's safety I have to let you go. The sadness in your eyes when I told you you had to go was enough to break my heart. I never want to do that to you ever again. I can't protect either of you like I wish I could.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I don't have anything new to tell you. The only things I have to tell you are things you don't know about every day me like pie or movies. You know more about hunter Dean than day off Dean. I don't think anyone but Sam and Bobby know about day off Dean. I haven't had very much time with the guy, myself.

Growing up, there was no day off for me. I was either being trained to hunt by Dad or I was being Dad for Sam. There were a few days where I was left with Bobby and I was treated like a kid but I don't remember those days as well as I would like to. Back then there was hunter me and parent me so that Sam could be a kid and have his days off.

I remember driving Sam to the hospital on the handlebars of my bike after he was dumb enough to jump off the roof of Bobby's garage. I had let the parent in me slip so I could be a brother for a little while and it hurt him. I sat with him while the cast was put on. Sam didn't know that after he went to bed that night I got the belt for being so irresponsible.

The first time I hunted alone was after Sam left. Dad was still fuming after the fight and he was ready to take it out on anything. He yelled. He drank. He ordered. I went out and hunted by myself and he barely noticed.

Dad didn't used to drive by Stanford. He told Sam that he always did. He didn't start until he found out I did. He didn't do anything until he found out I'd been keeping tabs on my baby brother and that I drove my Stanford once a month like clockwork.

It was easy to get closer on Halloween. Everyone was in makeup or masks except Sammy. I only ever left the car on Halloween. I'd listen and I'd watch and after awhile I'd join the rest of his class in drinking and partying and Sam wouldn't even notice because he hated Halloween. Halloween was my favorite holiday for four years because it was the closest I got to be to my brother since he left home.

Sam hated a lot of holidays after Dad and I ruined them for him. Halloween was ruined just by our lifestyle. Christmas was ruined when Dad never thought to do presents or get a tree. I did all of that Hallmark stuff for Sam. I was also the one who told him Santa wasn't real. I don't even know who told him about Santa. Thanksgiving was something we never celebrated. There was nothing to be thankful for and there was no family to get together with. Pies were half price the day after so we used to get those. New Years was just as unexciting and more of a calender flip than a celebration for us. The only holiday Sam has always liked is the fourth of July. I used to steal bottle rockets and roman candles, fireworks of as many kinds as I could and I would sneak away with Sam while Dad slept off his alcohol. That night was always just for us.

I have more days to be a brother and try to relax as an adult than I ever did as a kid. I'm fine with it because I gave up my childhood so Sam could have one.

-DW

Dear Cas,

All I can hear every time I close my eyes is your voice over my own screaming. "It's over. It's over. It's over." You should have killed me instead of curing me. It'll never be over.

-DW


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Cas,

You've come to talk to me in my dreams a few times. You haven't done it in a very long time. I'm grateful to a certain extent because I don't want you seeing what I dream about. Then again, in my head I might not know it's real you and I'd tell you how I really feel.

I can't sleep through the night anymore. I used to sleep for a solid four hours. I sleep and I dream and I wake up while it's still dark. Sometimes I can't go back to sleep and Sam will find me in the kitchen trying to work that stupid coffee maker before six in the morning. He judges me but he's the one catching me in there that early.

I can't sleep. I dreamed about when you pushed me out of purgatory. Your face is burned into my mind. I would have stayed with you if you couldn't go through. I would have stayed and fought off anything that tried hunting you or me. It's not ideal, but it's better than being separated by worlds.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Bizarro world was one of the weirder things that an angel has ever done to me. True, Zachariah made Sam and I forget our real lives and set us up working at some paper pushing company to prove a point but this was weirder than that. Balthazar sent us through the window and Sam and I landed in a world where there was no magic or hunting.

My name was Jensen Ackles and Sam was Jared Something. We found bizarro you and your name was Misha. Sam was married to Ruby except she wasn't Ruby. We were actors in a TV show based on our lives. Everything was very weird. Sam and Ruby owned a llama or something and lived in a mansion. Bizarro you got killed by Virgil. He used your blood to talk to Raphael.

I was a Soap Opera star or something. I'll never admit it to Sam but I tried looking up the soap opera to see if it existed here. It doesn't.

Bizarro you could talk like you when he was pretending to be you but he dropped it and he sounded like Jimmy Novak. Bizarro Ruby was your friend. She was the most upset by your death. Everything was so weird I felt like everyone was fake and I was working a case made out of paper.

I guess I never told you about the time Zachariah sent me forward into a different bizarro world. He sent me to a fake future that was supposedly going to happen if I said no to Michael. Sam had said yes to Lucifer. You lost your wings. I was some totalitarian militant that was willing to risk everyone's lives to get to Sam. When I met you in that world you knew I wasn't the right me. It was hard seeing you like that. You were a cross between human and angel. Your wings were gone but you still had the shining. You were high as a kite in a world of very sober people.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I just found out that the Trickster is your brother. The first time we met him, it wasn't that bad. A few funny cases from crappy tabloid magazines and he had Sam and I at each other's throats, but it ended and we moved on. Sam is still traumatized by the last time we met him. The way he tells it, I died over a hundred times. It was Tuesday. He hates the song "Heat of the Moment" now. I love that song but if it comes on the radio, he flinches. It took him a few months not to freak out when he woke up and it was a Tuesday. He wouldn't let me go to the car by myself for a few days. I had to yell at him and he sulked but I don't need a babysitter. He never told me the specifics of that Groundhogs Day. This one, we were caught in his own personal television. He banished you from it multiple times.

It all comes down to Angels and Demons doesn't it?

-DW

Dear Cas,

I made it to Lisa and Ben's. Lisa brought me in and when she couldn't get me to talk, sent me to sleep in the guest room of her house. I'm sitting on the bed now but I don't want to sleep. Too much happened and I'm reeling.

I can hear Ben asking Lisa about what's going on but she doesn't know. I wouldn't even be here if Sam hadn't told me to be here. I would be with Bobby and you. I don't know what I would be doing right now if I were with you and Bobby, but I wouldn't be sitting in a too clean room writing in the back of a self help book.

I stopped writing last night. I'm just going to keep writing this one letter until I run out of paper in this book. Lisa is letting me stay. She told me that if I stayed I would have to be her boyfriend because she couldn't have whatever kind of a lifestyle I used to have around Ben. I agreed and she moved my things up to her room. Ben's happy that I'm here. I haven't let him see how sad I am.

Eating dinner at the same table every night. Making dinner and breakfast and packing Ben lunches for school. I love it but it feels like a fairy tale.

I got a job in construction. Lisa set it up. Her friend works there and he got me the job. Baby is in the garage, retired. I hate my job. I want to go work with Bobby. I want to restore beautiful cars. I want to drive my car. I hate the truck I drive now. The only thing I like is taking care of Lisa and Ben. I love him like he is my son. I thought he was my son. Lisa told me he wasn't. Some part of me thinks she's lying but I'm not going to push it. I want to love her. I care about her.

Somehow this all still feels fake. It's been half a year and this feels fake. She sets me up with "friends." I go to bars with "friends." I barbeque and talk to my "friends." We go over to "friends" houses. Some part of me wants this but I'm restless. I can hear my own voice in my head telling Sam "We don't have friends." I can hear me telling him that our lives don't have room for friends.

When I write to you I remind myself how I love you and that that is how I'm supposed to feel about Lisa. She knows I don't love her like she loves me. We fight and I can tell that even though it's almost been a year, this won't last. I want it to last because this is my best shot at getting and staying out of the life. It won't last because I'm not in love with her. I'm in love with an angel I haven't talked to in months. I'm in love with an angel.

This is my last letter to you. If it's going to work with Lisa I have to stop writing to you. It's killing me. Every time I write I want to pack up the impala and drive away from here. I want to find you and I want to stay with you. So this is goodbye.

-DW


	10. Chapter 10

Dean didn't know what to do with himself. His hands were shaking and tears still streamed down his face. The doors of the impala were locked from the inside and his keys rested on the front seat. He picked up the magazine carefully and put all of Cas' letters in the last page. He started to pick his own letters off of the floor of the impala and slowly put them back into the magazine since it was the only logical thing he could think of to do.

Dear Cas,

I can't sleep. I can only keep moving. I shouldn't be writing to you. You're gone. I didn't want to leave purgatory without you. Things aren't right.

Sam hit a dog. He found a girl. He stopped hunting. He abandoned Kevin. He abandoned us. I want him to be more sorry than he is. I want him to know that he was supposed to find us and bring us back.

This is how it happens. I get sent to hell and after I spend a long enough time, I love what I'm doing no matter how sick it is. I get sent to purgatory and the non stop hunting is a dream. I am a monster. I need Sam to save me from that. You pulled me from hell. You saved me from that monster me. You were with me in purgatory. It was supposed to be Sam's job to pull me out of there. I'm still that purgatory monster. I'm still that hell monster, too.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Purgatory was hell for you but it was heaven for me. I fought everyday around the clock. There was no asking questions. There was no research. There was the ultimate game of kill or be killed. I was raised for that.

I thought my mission was to save people by hunting things. Saving people was my priority. Dad trained me to kill. He trained me to hunt and kill. I never questioned it. I just did it because Dad wasn't the best Dad. Sam fought against it and there were so many fights about it. Sam didn't want to be a brainwashed killer like me. I think he didn't want me to be the killer I was being trained to be either. He wanted to idolize me. He wanted me to be who I never was.

I was made for purgatory. If you're stuck there, I have to figure out how to go back. I would protect you tooth and nail. You're not the fighter that I am. I would protect you and fight off anything that wanted to hurt you. I don't know why you didn't understand that. You ran away from me to protect me but the fight is where I'm alive… and fighting to protect you is my life.

Part of me wants to figure out how to get back into purgatory. Another part of me knows that you'd never forgive me if you found me back there again. Sam would quit again. The world will die. I'm needed here. There's a fight to have here. I am alive.

-DW

Dear Cas,

They called you my angel every time I asked if the monsters knew where you were. I wish you were my angel. I wish I was your human.

-DW


	11. Chapter 11

Cas,

You can't decide where you belong. You go from being the angel on my shoulder to soldier of heaven in the blink of an eye. I'm being told to give up and become Michael. I'm supposed to just give up on my entire life and let your brother take over to take down Lucifer.

Before I went to hell there was no such thing as angels. I wish there wasn't. I don't want to be part of some divine plan. I don't want to be the vessel to some dickwad angel. I don't want any of this. I didn't ask you to save me from hell. I didn't even used to pray at all, let alone believe in any religion.

I pray to you and you alone and you don't have any answers for me.

-DW

Cas,

You told me to stop Sam. I have to try before you do something. I don't know how to get my brother back before you decide time's up. You don't know him. You don't know what we've been through. I can fix this. I will fix this. Just don't hurt him.

-DW

To Cas,

Apparently I'm an asshole. Did you know that punishment for being an asshole is dying of fear? I'm glad you weren't there to see me like that. I wish no one had been there to see me like that. It's not like I can forget it either. I remember all of the fear and anxiety and itchy creepy crawly feelings.

I'm not afraid of the closet anymore but I was. I don't know what I thought was going to come out of there. When I started coughing up wood chips I was scared of choking to death. When I got the rash on my arm I wanted to go to the hospital but I was afraid the only answer would be amputation. I was afraid to do anything and I was afraid of doing nothing.

If you had been there, could you have done anything? Would you have done anything?

At the end, I saw Sam's eyes go yellow. I saw him become the demon who had given him blood and killed Mom. I wasn't afraid of the fact that he was choking me as much as the fact that I couldn't shake the feeling that it was real and it wasn't a hallucination. I couldn't save him from anything. He asked me what I saw. I still can't shake the feeling so I lied. I keep lying. I wish I wasn't. He's lying too.

-DW

Cas,

Dad didn't keep a lot of books around. Most of the books we needed were with Bobby. Once in awhile he would leave Sam and I alone in a hotel room while he went hunting. I used to find Vonnegut books. Sam would sleep and I would keep watch but when keeping watch meant sitting alone in the dark, I would read what I could find. I read and reread every book my dad owned. Sometimes I'd give up on his twisted selection and read the bible that every hotel has in the top drawer of the end table.

I think he was used to traveling in a succinct manner because of the war. They didn't get to bring books with them. He was spoiled by Mom. Living in a house with things and not traveling all over the place, he grew attached. He had a small bag of his clothes where he kept his Anna Nicole Playboy and at least one Vonnegut book. He would switch out the books every so often after dropping us off or picking us up from Bobby's.

When Sam started dreaming about college, I would let myself privately share his dream. I couldn't have it but I would dream of it anyway. I wasn't a star student. I wasn't top of my class without trying like Sam. I read privately and didn't do book reports. I read by the light of the streetlamp outside out hotel room while I kept watch over Sam. Sam read. Sam studied. Sam got yelled at and ridiculed by our father. Sam was a star child at school and Bobby taught him about researching all of the things that go bump in the night. Sam was brought up to read and do research and I was brought up as a soldier.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I met Jimmy. I met his wife. I met his child. You wore a family man for a year. You took a husband and father away from his family. I watched Jimmy plead with you to leave his daughter and to take him back.

I knew it wasn't your vessel that mattered to me when I found him. I searched his eyes and there was nothing of you in them. There was nothing in his face or voice or way he tied his damn tie. It wasn't hard for me to tell Sam that I wanted Jimmy to go back to his family. Looking at him was a reminder that you were missing. He had your hair and your eyes but your spark wasn't in them. You were gone.

I watched him get shot and I felt it as I watched him fall. I watched as he talked through blood and it hurt. I also don't believe a word you said to me that you serve heaven and not man. You can say that you don't belong with Sam and I but I saw your eyes come to me when you hopped back into your Jimmy suit. I watched your eyes come to me. Not his daughter. Not his wife. Me. You can go on pretending heaven is your top priority but it's clearly not.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I swore my obedience but it was to you. Not anyone else, human or angel. I swore to you and you didn't even notice.

-DW


	12. Chapter 12

Dear Cas,

Last time I saw you you were covered in blood from our fight with Lucifer. You haven't come back. You haven't called. I keep telling myself and everyone else who asks that you're fine. You have to be fine.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I can't sleep for so many reasons right now. My head hurts but I don't think that's it. You were here but you weren't acting like you. You tore apart the entire bunker. Sam says that seeing Lucifer probably messed with you. I just need you to be okay. Seeing you acting like that and my worrying over you almost made me kill myself. I almost bashed my own brain in just because I was worried about you. Be okay.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Honestly, I was expecting the Qareen to come kill me looking like you. I was expecting you with your messed up hair and big blue eyes and I was expecting to die because it would be you. Amara showed up and it was easy. The only reason for it to be Amara is the mark that ties her to me and me to her. I wouldn't call what we have love or desire. I'd call it a binding. I didn't want to face her down, though. I didn't want her to show up and say that she thought she was my deepest and darkest desire when all I've wanted for years is you.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Talk about hearts breaking. Coming back from a World War II ship that died and finding out that you said yes to Lucifer… I lost you in a way I have never lost you before. I watched Leviathan practically kill you. I watched a reaper stab you. I watched while you played god. You said yes to Lucifer and I didn't even know it. You said yes right in front of me and I didn't hear or see it happen. I couldn't talk you out of it. I couldn't tell you that you always are important and that no matter how low on power you are, you can always help us and are always a valuable member of the team. I couldn't save you.

Now I have to try to save you while Lucifer is inside of you. I have to kill Lucifer without killing you. I have to get my angel back. I can't do any of this without you. I can't kill Amara. I can't fight in this war.

-DW


	13. Chapter 13

Dear Cas,

Happy Valentine's Day. This is the first year I haven't felt like doing anything for the fake holiday. Usually I go out and find a desperate girl to forget the night with. Then I met you a year ago and here I am. I don't want to go find some girl. All I wanted was to call you up.

Fish fish I got my wish. A couple devoured each other and here I got to call you up to help us with the case to read the enochian. I still can't tell you. I look at you and there is nothing I want more in the entire world.

Then Famine came to town and woke up Jimmy and I'm reminded that even if I did pluck up the courage to tell you how I feel, a man with a wife and daughter is locked inside of you. A man after my own heart who wants burger after burger after burger is trapped inside the angel I'm in love with who doesn't eat food.

So, Happy Valentine's Day, Castiel. I'm in love with you.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Happy Valentine's Day. I know this is cheesy. The heart shaped red construction paper card. The stickers and glitter and glue. Ben was making Valentine's for his class because apparently kids do that. He told me to do it with him. I made the biggest cheesiest one and I'm sorry to say that it wasn't for the kid's mom. I miss you so much. You mean the world to me and I haven't seen you in months.

I would go all out for this holiday for you. I wouldn't take you out to a restaurant because you don't eat. I don't know what I'd do. Watch romance movies with you if you wanted to or dance under the stars. I would make a card like this every year- every day if you wanted it. I don't even care that by using glitter once I am now covered in it. It's in my clothes and hair and I don't care because someday I'll give this to you and someday I hope it makes you smile.

I love you.

Love,

Dean

Dear Cas,

Happy Valentine's Day. I was shopping today and bought a cherry pie and a heart shaped box of chocolates. I was going to give them to you but you don't eat and I don't know how to tell you that I'm in love with you and have been since the moment I met you. I gave them to Sam as a joke.

Am I supposed to make one of those lousy poems? Roses are red violets are violet aren't they? blue. I need to just fucking say it. I'm in love with you.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Happy Valentine's Day. Lucky me. The year you're human is the year I'm hiding Ezekial from you. The year I could have given you heart shaped candies and taken you out to a nice dinner is the year that I can't. Not like I would have had the balls to do it anyway.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Every time I write "Happy Valentine's Day" I think that this is the year. This is the year I'm going to hand them all over and tell you how much I love you. Every year it comes around and I can't do it. Every year I want to kiss you and show you what you mean to me. Every year it hurts more and more. I can't do this.

Every year I go to a bar and pretend I'm the guy that I was before I met you and when it's supposed to be time to go back to her place, I beg off. Sam expects me to be out all night and I am. I drink all night and I come home and I write to you.

I love you, even if I never tell you.

-DW


	14. Chapter 14

Dear Cas,

Going to that wrestling match made me think a lot about my dad. I honestly haven't given him much thought recently. A lot of my childhood was a wreck even before Mom died. Before Mom died, they fought a lot and Dad would leave for days at a time. Before I met Adam, I never would have thought my Dad was even capable of cheating on Mom. I had heard them yelling about divorce but it never even crossed my mind that he would actually leave her. He never got the chance to leave her. Her death ripped him apart. If he was an absent father before…

I remember when Adam told me that Dad used to take him to ball games for his birthday. We weren't so lucky but Dad did take us to wrestling matches every now and again and those were probably the best times I ever had with my Dad. He would take Sam and I to the match and he'd sit us down while he went and got beers. He'd scream and cheer with the crowd and he'd forget for a little while that he was a father to children he never really wanted and he'd forget that he was hunting. He'd let the world fade around him and lose himself in the match. Sam and I followed his lead, cheering and pretending that we were normal kids.

Going to the match as an adult with Sam opened my eyes. A double fisted drinker father and his kid were sitting behind us at the match. I yelled and cheered like I always have. I enjoyed the match like I always have. I worked a job when the match was over. Like I always have. The drunk father was murdered. Could have been anyone in the crowd but it was him. He was the same man that my father. The only difference between them was that one was murdered and the other would have killed the murderer.

I worked a case when I should have been looking for you. I walked down memory lane instead of hunting Lucifer down and saving you. I'm sorry. Sam doesn't know if you want me to save you. I know you do. You have to. I'm doing my best at keeping it together long enough to get you back.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I know this time it's different. Looking for you this time, you aren't just lost, you gave your body to Lucifer. When I looked for you in Purgatory at least you were findable and I didn't have to worry about trying to kill Lucifer without killing you. This is killing me, Cas.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Sam keeps trying to find you. He keeps trying to reassure me that we'll find you and get you back. I keep looking for you. I lie and agree with Sam that we'll find you and that you'll be okay. It's raw hope that I'll find you and get you back. I love you.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I went into the soul eater's nest and I saw Sam dead on the floor. It only lasted a second but it hurt. I felt my stomach twist in the same way it did when I watched Sam drop after being stabbed in the back. It was over when I opened my eyes again. When I was drawing the sigil the soul eater found me and then I wasn't in the house anymore. I don't know where I was but I could hear you calling my name like you do when you think I'm dying. I couldn't move or call out. I could only listen to your agony and feel my heart breaking. I came to again in the nest in time for the souls to be released and I saw Bobby leave.

It was all probably hallucinations and the soul eater forcing me to see and face horrors of my own mind, but everything I saw hurt me. Everything I heard hurt me.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I'm going to kill myself. I'm sorry. I have to.

"Death isn't the end." It isn't for Sam. I don't know if it is for me. He will find you and get you back even if I don't make it back.

I'm sorry. I love you so much. I need you to know that. If this is the only letter you find, the rest are in my room at the bunker. I need you to know that I loved you.

Love,

Dean

Dear Cas,

I got to live. I have a concussion and a few healing ribs. Sam's alive. He's got stitches and a doctor's note for bed rest. My head is killing me. I miss you. Come back.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Seeing your body hijacked by Lucifer and still not being able to reach you killed me. Crowley even dove in after you and couldn't bring you back. I don't understand why you wouldn't eject Lucifer. I don't understand why you've left me. If I was still a demon I could have jumped your bones and tried myself. I'm not and you probably wouldn't listen.

Amara took you and Lucifer away and now my heart is breaking again. I don't know where you are or what she's doing to Lucifer but if she kills you I don't know what I'll do.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I met some hunters who were a couple. They work well together. They make me want to tell you that we can be like that. We can be together and work together. I don't know what's stopping me.

I was going to invite them to come help us take down Amara and save you but I could see how happy they were to finally be out. They got their revenge and were getting out and I couldn't drag them back in.

I want to be that happy with you but I'm pretty sure you don't want that with me. Maybe a nice angel or reaper girl. Not me.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I stopped believing in "God" when I would pray to "Him" when Dad got mad. I started praying when I was old enough to read The Bible that was in our motel room wherever we went. As time went on I got beaten. I got trained. I got verbally and physically abused. I prayed for it to stop. I never had to pray that it wouldn't happen to Sam because I was the one taking it for Sam. I don't remember making a conscious decision to stop believing or praying. I just stopped.

Then the amulet started shining and Chuck was back. Chuck. The God who never answered my prayers. Who abandoned his own creations. And he's sitting in my bunker. He told me not to confuse him with my father. I don't need to confuse the two for each other. They both let me down.

I need him to fight Amara but that doesn't mean I will ever forgive him.

-DW

Dear Cas,

It's Jimmy's body. It's Lucifer's voice and mannerisms. It looks like you. Even though I thought Lucifer was still in your bones, I couldn't stop myself from screaming your name and running to you. When you looked up at me and said my name and it was your spark in the eyes and your voice it took everything I had not to pull you to me.

Now I have you back but I'm about to walk to my death to save you and Sam and… everyone. I am walking to my death and I'll never have told you how much I love you and care about you.

You were the one who offered me up as the close connection to Amara, so here I go. For you. I love you, Castiel, Angel of the Lord.

Goodbye,

Dean


	15. Chapter 15

Dear Cas,

You showed up covered in bees. Naked. It's alarming to be alone in a secret cabin changing your clothes when you hear a sudden loud buzzing noise followed by "Hello, Dean." Then I turned around and you were completely naked except for the hundreds of bees that were on and around you. I'm pretty sure if you weren't insane, you would have noticed my immediate reaction to sit down and look away. Instead of commenting on the obvious, you told me all about some wonderful garden you had just been to before handing me a plastic bag full of honey.

I couldn't trust myself to speak without my voice cracking for forgetting what words meant while you stood in front of me without any clothes on so you kept talking until you dismissed yourself back to the garden and were gone. While you talked I watched your lips move. I barely had to restrain myself from kissing you because you were surrounded by bees. But I wanted to.

When you were gone I finally realized that I had never zipped or buttoned my pants and that my shirt was still off. I took a cold shower after that but I will never get that image out of my head.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I had a dream last night that you and Sam were working a case. I wasn't there. I was just watching. You were both upset and not working rationally. Sam was working like he had a vengence and you were working with him more out of duty to keep him safe than because you wanted to be hunting. I tried telling you guys what you were missing or doing wrong but no one could hear me.

I watched Sam take you to the morgue and ask to see the body but he wasn't wearing a suit. He was wearing what he usually wears. They told him to take his time and led him back. You put a hand on his shoulder when he looked through the glass and he nodded. Both of you were crying. I looked through and I was lying on the morgue's metal slab.

You and Sam found some monster who was my killer and you sat on a park bench crying while Sam brutally murdered it and everything around him. When he was done he sat down on the ground in the middle of the spilled blood. You went back to the morgue by yourself and brought me out for the hunter's funeral. I woke up when you lit me on fire.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Sometimes I play with my ring under the table when I'm waiting for my food, or at night when I can't sleep, or while I'm reading over research. I think about the day that will never happen. I think about the day that I take it off and offer it to you with my love and my name.

I don't remember where I got this ring. I don't really know why I wear it all the time. It's pretty unremarkable. Stainless steel and plain except for a small rut in the middle. It's unremarkable to everyone but me. To me, someday, maybe, it'll be your wedding ring. Or mine. Someday it'll give you a surname, a hunter's name, a home.

Someday, maybe, you'll be mine.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Every year since I've met you, I find two presents side by side on my birthday. One is wrapped in old newspaper and I know it's from Sam. The other is from you, I think. I don't have proof or a reason why you would get me a present. It's always been one present, except for those years when Sam was gone. Then it was none. Now I have two. Yours (I think it's yours) is always unwrapped and something kind of odd that I keep even though I don't really have any use for it.

The first time I found one it was a bright yellow yo-yo with a string that showed how old it was. It was shorter than it was supposed to be because of how many times the old string had snapped. I've never played with it. I put it in the impala in a small box.

That box also has a matchbox that has gum wrappers instead of matches in it, a scented candle that smells like cherry pie, an old nokia phone without a battery, a rusted bright orange button that says "the greatness of goodness", an old Altoids tin that's been run over by cars for years probably, and a few other things. I didn't keep the ant farm.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I didn't do anything today but watch soap operas on daytime television and peel dried glue off of my hands. You probably have done neither. Sam tied to take the glue away from me but I got it in his hair and now he won't come near me.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I was feeling depressed. My brother wass in hell. I hadn't talked to you or Bobby since I had gone to Lisa's house. She was at work and Ben was at school and I was sitting on the front steps of the house when I saw a butterfly. I had nothing to do and I felt like I'd rather be dead. I got up and followed the butterfly down the street and through parks and meadows. Eventually I was in the middle of a copse of trees and no one was around except the little white winged butterfly who had found a purple flower in the grass. I sat down and I cried. I prayed to you to come to me and make me want to live again.

When you talked about spending the day in the garden and how you watched the bees and saw how everything was connected, I thought of that day when I had followed a butterfly. I saw it too that day. Not the way you did. But I saw the beauty in it.

-DW


	16. Chapter 16

Dear Cas,

I love watching children's movies with you. Finding Nemo has never been better than when watching it next to you. You looked confused for the first twenty minutes of the movie, doing the cute thing where you squint your eyes and furrow your brow. You kept telling me whenever Dory forgot something obvious that had only happened a few seconds ago and explained to me how amazing it was that she could remember the address. It was even better that by the end of the movie you had the address stuck in your head and kept repeating it while you were doing normal things. "42 Wallaby Way, Sydney."

When you found out about Disney Princess movies we watched most of them. When we watched Sleeping Beauty, I let you explain the movie to me as it was happening and watched your shocked face when the entire kingdom went to sleep. When we watched Tangled you told me that Rapunzel had green eyes and freckles like me but I acted more like Flynn. You explained that the horse and chameleon weren't acting like a real horse and chameleon and it bothered you a lot.

I'll never get tired of watching those movies with you.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I know you don't get the idea of a day off but today was a great one. Sam stayed in because he's felt weird about Tuesday's for awhile and never leaves the bunker on Tuesdays unless we're on a case. It took him awhile to let me go anywhere on Tuesday's too.

I took you to Ikea to get some updated furniture for our home. I hid in the wardrobe when you turned away and that was hilarious. I got us kicked out of a grocery store by telling you it was customary for one person to sit in the shopping cart and pull things off shelves while the other person runs. I'm sorry I lied that I asked Sam for permission before we built a pillow fort out of his bedding.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I looked outside and saw you standing next to the impala. You didn't seem like you noticed anything else in the world except my car. You ran your hand over the hood and the dirt that had been all over the car was gone. I watched your lips move as you talked to no one. I wanted to go out and invite you to come in or to ask who you were talking to or why you cleaned my car at two in the morning.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I remember the first time I broke a bone. Dad was surprised that it didn't happen on a hunting trip. I told Sam it happened on a hunting trip. He had been with Bobby while Dad and I were out hunting. I must have been around twelve. The hunt was over and we were going to Bobby's to pick up Sam. We had to stay at a motel because it was a few days drive. Our room was on the second story. I don't know what I tripped over but I tripped and broke my arm in the fall. Dad had to rush me to the hospital and call Bobby to bring Sam to meet us there since I had to have surgery to put the bones in the right spots. When I woke up Sam was there and was asking me what happened. I told him about some bad ass fight that went down where I killed the monster that hurt me. He got that starry eyed look like I was the hero in one of his books and I wanted to live up to that. So I try.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I don't feel like I thank you enough. You do a lot for me and you're gone before I can say anything, I'm still fighting, or it feels too much like a potential goodbye. So Thanks Cas for doing everything that you do and sticking my me. You deserve a lot better than what I've given you.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I had a dream. It was a long enough for an entire lifetime. I told you how much I love you and you kissed me. We dated for a few years, watching movies, going out to nice dinners, spending holidays together, trying each other's favorite things. I proposed in the garden we'd made for your bees in the backyard of the small house we'd gotten together. You flung your arms around me and kissed me instead of saying yes. We got married in our own way at home with a made up ceremony with all of our friends and family. Sam brought his fiancee, Eileen. They got married later that same year at City Hall with just you and me to witness it. We adopted abandoned monster or hunter children and raised them. Our life was perfect. I woke up one morning and you weren't there so I went to go look for you and found you in our kitchen. It wasn't you, though. Jimmy was somehow alive all this time. He had no memory of anything for the past twentyish years. He kept asking about his wife and daughter but all I could do was stand there shocked and worried and sad. I asked him where you were.

I woke up covered in a cold sweat. It had felt so real. I wanted the beginning of it to be real. I want that perfect life with you.

-DW


	17. Chapter 17

Cas,

Merry Christmas. The last time I celebrated Christmas was the year before I went to hell. Sam doesn't like celebrating anything anymore.

I will admit that I made this eggnog way too strong and I'm a little drunk. I think Sam also spiked it as a joke before he knew it was already too strong. Oh well. It's the end of the world anyway. Might as well enjoy a failing liver while you can.

We didn't get a tree. Even a small one. I think it's because Sam didn't think my angel joke was appropriate. I said we should put you on top of our tree this year. Oh well.

-DW

Merry Christmas, Cas!

You look amazing with the antlers I made you wear. Next time we invite you to be with us on a holiday, though, could you not take pleasure in exploding the colored light strings. I know we never leave motels perfect, but broken christmas lights everywhere is a bit much.

I like teaching you about human holidays. You're confused by all of them and it's fun to show you traditions we think are normal. You point out how not normal it is and I think that makes everything better.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Merry Christmas. I missed you this year.

There was a big celebration with Lisa's family. We all had to wear ugly Christmas Sweaters which I'd never done before. We made holiday foods and went to Lisa's parent's house. I used to think Lisa was an only child but I found out she has two half brothers from her mom's previous marriage.

There was no spiked eggnog. There were no jokes about putting Castiel on top of a tree. There was adults sitting and talking while drinking hot apple cider and children playing in the other room with the toys they had unwrapped in the morning. There was a big Christmas Dinner which I never really knew was a thing.

Lisa's Dad said a prayer before we ate. He prayed to "god". I prayed to you. He prayed that the food would be good for everyone and how grateful he was that his family was all together under one roof. I prayed that you would show up and tell me that this has all been a bad dream and that Sam was waiting to open the crap presents. He prayed for happiness. I did too.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I know this is cheesy but…

Just let me say, without hope or agenda, just because it's Christmas- (and at Christmas you tell the truth) To me you are perfect. And my wasted heart will love you no matter what vessel or form you're in. Merry Christmas, Cas. I love you.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Merry Christmas.

Thanks for helping me with the tree and setting it up in the bunker before Sam got back from the store. I like that I seem to have turned you into a criminal. I told you we needed lights, ornaments, and an angel for the top of the tree and you came back with all of them in about two seconds. Our tree looks amazing.

I didn't go shoplifting for presents this year so I just wrapped up random things around the bunker and put them under the tree. Maybe Sam won't notice.

I love that you strung Christmas lights on the staircase railing and around the doorways of bedrooms and libraries to make the place cheerier. It's amazing and I love it. I would never say that out loud, though.

Sorry I tricked you into drinking the eggnog but your face was worth it.

-DW


	18. Chapter 18

Dean wiped his hand over his face as he woke up in the back seat of the impala. His magazine was in one hand and a few of the last letters he'd reread in the other. He looked around. The Sun was up and still waiting to be read was a letter that he had found in the house.

He had carried Cas's body into the house and into the kitchen where he had found an envelope with his name in the writing of his angel. He hadn't dared to read it. He couldn't. The night before they had given Cas a hunter's funeral. Dean looked at the letter again before tearing it open.

Dear Dean,

I have learned why you write me letters. While I am away from you and unable to tell you what I may want to tell you, I find myself writing to you as well. Not in response to your letters like before. I find myself far from you and hiding from you and I want to explain a great many things to you.

I have ample time alone while Kelly sleeps. I wake her up when I work on building or painting. She's told me to do quiet activities or to just wait while she rests. When she told me to wait because she needed sleep I was reminded of when you made me stand by the side of the road for four hours while you slept.

There are things I never told you that I need you to know. I will begin with why I'm not with you now. Jack, the nephilim spawn of Lucifer and Kelly, has shown me the good that he intends and that he already knows. I don't believe this child to be evil and my task is to care for Jack and keep him from Lucifer at any cost. You want to kill him and I understand because I had the same fear that you have now, but I have been shown the truth.

I have seen true evil in demons and other creatures including my brothers and sisters and Jack isn't evil. When I say I have seen true evil from Heaven, I mean everything that you know about Metatron and Lucifer, but I also mean the things no one ever told you like what Naomi really did to me and many other angels.

I only ever told you that Naomi had been in our heads and that she couldn't be trusted. I never told you what I felt would actually hurt you to know. I find I have the time and longing to tell you now. Naomi brought me back from Purgatory at a high price. She drilled into my brain to reprogram me and directed me to spy and report back about you and Sam. I was made to kill Samandriel when he knew too much about her experiments on angels. I was brought into Heaven and made to murder replicas of you thousands of times until she was satisfied with both the kill and my reaction to doing it. Then she sent me to retrieve the angel tablet with you and kill you. I almost did it. Killing you thousands of times was numbing. It hurt me to watch you die, but to watch you die by my hand made me sick with pain and disgust. When you were put before me I was numb already because I had to numb myself to protect myself. You pleaded and called me family. The other Dean's had never called me their family. They had never looked at me the way you did.

I know evil, but I know good. I see good every day in you and Sam. I try to do the right thing. I told you that once and you were disappointed when you told me that I always do. I know that I try to do good and it doesn't end up being the right choice. I know that the same has happened to you. I know that it is happening to you now while you hope to kill Jack.

Jack's father is Lucifer, but if he's raised by good- if he's raised by me or you, he could create peace on Earth. I remember the cambion you encountered. Jesse didn't know he was cambion. He was powerful enough to turn myths into realities around him without even knowing. He was powerful enough that with full access to his powers, he could have wiped out angels, demons, all creatures including humans, and he would have had to barely lift his finger. His father hadn't been as strong as Lucifer. Don't worry about Jesse. He shot himself a few years after running away from home. There was a nephilim I killed for Metatron. Her mother had been a very low rank angel and had also taught her daughter to never use her powers. She was easy to defeat, though I take no pride in killing her. We were told they are abominations. Aren't we all abominations? Sam drank demon blood. You have been to Hell and been a demon. Both of you have died and come back multiple times. I lost my grace and became human. I stole someone else's grace to become an angel again. If no one else on this planet is an abomination, we are a team of them and we need to protect this one.

Whenever Kelly talks to me about how I'm meant to raise her child I think about the one night I spent babysitting. I remember singing to her while she cried and the worry that surged through me when I felt her temperature. After you showed up everything fit into place again. You gave her medicine and rocked her to sleep while you sang. I watched her fall asleep in your arms as if she was meant to do just that, as if she belonged there. I watched you look at her like she was a precious gem as you put her into her crib. I watched you fix the entire situation with such simplicity. I was in awe. I think of that night and think that I will need your help to raise Jack.

I miss you as I sit here alone in this dark cabin. I write about you taking care of children, but you have taken care of me too. We don't talk about it, but I didn't know how to or that I had to shave when I first found my vessel. I don't think even Sam knows about you taking me into the motel bathroom with a new razor and can of shaving cream from the store and teaching me how to shave. I remember the day I learned to do laundry even though it didn't impact me then. I had to recall it when I was human and had to do my laundry instead of using angelic power to fix my clothes. I had gone to the motel thinking I would find you there and had to call your phone to find out you were at a laundromat. There, you told me what you were doing to keep from being silent while an angel watched you do your laundry. When I was human and I told you my grace was gone, the first thing you told me was that my missing grace made me human. You told me that I had to eat and drink and sleep. I mimicked what I had observed of you and Sam whenever you stopped at diners. You took me to what I believed was my first date. You made me presentable and told me what I was supposed to do. If it had been a real date, I would have been prepared because of you. I think about how you took in Kevin and Charlie as your extended family and took care of them. You saved Jodie Mills by taking her in as your mother and giving her Claire and Alex to raise. You take care of everyone around you.

I've taken care of you a few times. You make it look easy. I had to fight through Hell to get to you out. I saved you from killing your brother when you were a demon. I couldn't cure you of smiting sickness, but I sent you away from it and went in myself to keep you from pain. I took Lisa and Ben's memories of you for you. I learned that taking care of you is not necessarily healing you of your injuries or illness, but taking some of the fight from your shoulders or watching over your brother. I remember the heartbreak and awe in your eyes when I healed you after the battle with Lucifer and Michael. You asked me if I was God. Healing your physical ailments is two fingers to your forehead. It is easy and quick and not as difficult as keeping you alive or wanting to be alive.

I have read and love to read how much you love me. I find it unfair that you never have and maybe never will read how much I love you. Maybe you will never find the letters I left in your magazine. When I meet you again I will give you this letter and you will know how much I love you. You will know that I have read most of your letters- I can't read them all for you keep writing and I'm not with you now. I love and cherish those letters as I love and cherish you. My existence changed when I decided to raise you from Hell. I have lived for ages and never had I felt what I feel now. I might as well also tell you to look in the last page of your magazine to find the rest of my letters to you if you haven't already.

I love you, Dean Winchester. I love you.

Love,

Castiel


	19. Chapter 19

Dear Castiel,

Castiel. Cas. Clarence.

When I heard you were going by Clarence I lost all hope at ever telling you how I feel about you. It wouldn't do anything. Clarence. The name Meg called you. I don't know if you chose it because you love or loved her. I don't know if you chose it because you miss her. I don't know.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I listened to Garth give me a character introduction to his wife. He says I can start a fight in an empty house. Then he called me a teddy bear. I want to know how you'd describe me. I know the first part of his description is spot on. I don't know how I would describe you. It would take more than two sentences.

-DW

Cas,

You're gone. You're off playing god and I shouldn't be writing to you like I do. I should give up. I won't and I can't. I listen to everything you're doing- all the killing and destruction. I listen to it on the radio while I work on my car. I watch it on the tv at the bar. A part of me wants to believe that this isn't who you are and that I can still save you. I just don't know if I can this time.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I met a woman, Tera, who told me I reminded her of my dad. The last time someone told me I sounded like my dad it was Bobby and he told me to be better than him. I had thought I was being a better man than my father. I thought I was being the person Bobby wanted me to be. I don't know how to be a better man. I'll never be a good man no matter how hard I try.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I don't know how many times I'm going to have to tell people that I am the reason Kevin is dead. It kills me a little every time I say it. I see it in my head every time someone says his name. I see the stupid orange calling card with his name scratched into it. I see the betrayal I pulled on Sam because I thought I was doing the right thing.

I should have done a lot of things differently. I shouldn't have tricked Sam into saying yes. I should never have told you to leave even with the possibility of Gadreel leaving. I should have told the truth to Kevin. I should have treated him better. I could have treated him better.

Whenever someone says his name or tries to take the blame of his death I see every wrong I ever did to him. He could have been some super genius like Sam was set up to be. He could have played the cello and gone to an ivy league school. If Sam and I hadn't broken open that first tablet, his prophetness wouldn't have woken up and he and his girlfriend and his mom would still be alive. I come into people's lives and I ruin them.

-DW


	20. Chapter 20

Dear Cas,

This morning was weird. I don't know how this hasn't come up before. I was in the kitchen making coffee and cleaning up a little. It was early. I didn't sleep last night. I had the radio playing and "Heat of the Moment" by Asia comes on. I love that song. So I crank it. Then I hear Sam scream. Like I thought he was waking up from being stabbed in the brain scream. I ran and I throw open his door and Sam is sitting straight up in bed ripping at his calendar and he sees me and asks "What day is it?" Like he didn't just wake up screaming bloody murder. So I tell him it's Tuesday and he FREAKED OUT.

I thought his weird thing about Tuesdays had fizzled out years ago. He broke the radio. Every calendar we used to have is torn to shreds. I suggested we get out of the bunker for some fresh air and breakfast when he wouldn't talk about his episode. I don't think I really have to tell you that he refused to let me go anywhere. I guess he really doesn't like Asia and he'd not over Tuesdays yet.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I'm not sure how you "won" at Monopoly but I will prove that you cheated. No one just owns one monopoly and still wins. Especially the pink properties. And how did you manage to evade my hotels on Park Place and Boardwalk? I'm sure you cheated. Sam sat there wondering how you cheated when he was banker. He sat there for hours trying to figure out what you did. I'll mark this up as another reason why angels are dicks. They cheat at Monopoly.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I'm not sure why you made me about a hundred sandwiches. All of them were various forms of peanut butter and jelly. You made me take a bite from each one and tell you which was better or worse. I don't know how long I sat there taking bites out of sandwiches and I don't know why I didn't just say no. I don't think I told you earlier and I don't know why I think it's important that you know this but I hate jam. Peanut butter and grape jelly is the best form of that sandwich.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Took a few days off and went to visit Jodie. Claire and Alex were at Summer Camp so we had the house to ourselves. Jodie and I stayed in our pj's all day and watched Desperate Housewives. Sam pretended not to watch while he "read" but no one can resist a good soap.

When we go to Jodie's it feels like when we would go to Bobby's to relax. She misses being a mom so she does mom things for us like making us food and asking us how we are and making sure we're staying out of non hunting trouble. Sam and I have never really had a mom. Mom is a very distant memory for me. I only had her for 4 years. So having a mother figure no matter how old I get is special. Everyone needs family and I'm glad she's part of ours.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I let you pick the next movie we would watch. We watched all eight Harry Potter movies. Sam of course could feel the nerd or something and found us booting up the first movie and joined us for all of them. If anyone tells Charlie, I'm never hearing the end of this.

Things we can never talk about again: All three of us crying when Dobby died. When I asked why Voldemort didn't just kill the Potters with a gun and Sam hit me. When you asked if Lily Evans was like Rowena. When Sam said that having the Ford Anglia would be badass and I hit him. When the Ford hit the Womping Willow and I almost cried. When you said Harry looked fine in Fleur's bra and it was hardly fair to call him hideous.

-DW

Dear Cas,

While I love these emoji conversations you're making me partake in, I don't know how you even figured out how to use emojis. At first the texts were incoherent and just a smattering of emojis. Then you started to figure them out. We told the entire story of the Wizard of Oz, Tangled, The Good The Bad and the Ugly, and the episodes of Sherlock.

I like when we make our own stories, though. The story about the bear that hatched from an egg and was raised by a princess was blockbuster worthy. And the story about the chipmunk that fell in love with the unicorn… There wasn't an emoji for squirrel. It was the closest I could get it.

-DW


	21. Chapter 21

Dear Cas,

I haven't been sick in a long time. Then my throat started feeling funny. Then I woke up and I couldn't breathe. Sam quarantined me while wearing gloves and a face mask. I know that if I prayed for you to come here and make this go away, you might show up. I don't really want you to see me like this.

I've been binge watching shows on Netflix since I'm not allowed to leave my room. I have a small fever and everything is exhausting. I have the book that I'm writing in on my lap while I watch shows and randomly write to you whenever since Sam won't come into my room right now.

When we were little Dad would make us this nasty soup that could melt your face off it was so spiced up. I never enjoyed it but it cleared the sinuses fast. Sam made it and brought it to me and I ate it without complaint. Mostly because he won't stay long enough for me to complain. He leaves the tray with the soup and tea outside the door, knocks, and runs away.

I'm too tired. Goodnight.

-DW

Dear Cas,

You yelled at me for not calling you when I was sick after you cured me. You overreacted a little. So did Sam. I had a fever. Not over 104. Sure, it was 103 point something or other and I appeared to be passed out but I was just sleeping. I think.

You told me that Sam called you when he found me passed out with a high fever. Now I know where he draws the line for needing your healing services. Also, thanks for deep cleaning my room for me with angel powers. That was awesome.

You told me I should have called for help the minute I thought I was sick but why would I think I was sick when I almost never get sick? And why would I call the hot angel I want to impress to come see me when I'm weak and feel like dying? I wouldn't.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Sometimes I think about something my mom used to say when she would put me to bed. I don't remember her face or the bedroom or anything but her voice saying that angels were watching over me. I never really thought much of it until I met you all those years ago and found out that angels were real.

I think about if she hadn't been lying. Which one of the asshole angels had to watch over me or was it you? And if it was you how much did you see and let happen? I know you were there to pull me out of hell, but were you there for everything else before that? Did you watch me grow up that terrible life? Were you there when I was going to die after electrocuting myself? Or when Tessa almost reaped me after the car crash?

I don't think she was telling any kind of truth. I don't think you were there. I don't think any other dick with wings was there. I think I was by myself growing up. I think I was the angel watching over Sam for his entire life but I had no one to look after me after she died.

-DW

Dear Cas,

For me to admit, even on paper, that I'm in love with you… It's not something I thought I'd feel or think about anything but it's another thing altogether to admit to the feeling. I wake up in the middle of the night from a dream I wish I could stay in because we were happy there. When I wake up from those I want to run to you and kiss you. I want to tell you that I wish you were mine. I want to be yours.

When I'm on a case I'll see couples holding hands or kiss over dinner. I'll go to see widows crying over their lost love. I'll see old couples at the park. I see teenagers trying to act natural on a first date at a diner. I see love everywhere and I think about you and I pretend that I don't. I pretend that I don't think of you and I pretend not to see the heart break and love and lust everywhere.

Every time I get close to telling you how I feel something happens. One of us goes off the rails. A battle that's too big to side track from confronts us. I watch a relationship of Sam's burn. I see a pretty girl look at you the way I fear I look at you and I tell myself you'll never love me back.

Benny used to tease me about you. When we first met and I told him we had to find you, he accepted it. He watched me kill everything in between you and I and after a few times of seeing that, he teased that I must be in love with you. The teasing stopped when we found you. When we were topside I asked him why he stopped and he said it wasn't teasing if it was true and that with the way I looked at you and protected you, there was nothing else to call it but love. He's the only one who knows and if he's not then he's the only one who's confronted me about it.

-DW


	22. Chapter 22

Dear Cas,

I can't sleep. My mind keeps going over-

Dear Cas,

Last time I tried to write, you knocked on the door and I hurried to stash everything away before opening the door to find you. It was maybe two in the morning. I let you in and closed the door behind you so I wouldn't wake Sam up by asking you what was up.

All I said was your name before you told me you felt anxious and restless. You asked if you could keep me company. So I moved my pillow over to one side of the bed and grabbed an extra one from another room and put it on the other side of the bed. You changed into an extra pair of my pj's and laid down on your back next to me.

I could feel my heart racing in my chest and had to force my breathing to remain even as I stared at the ceiling next to you. I know you don't sleep. I could feel the heat from your body next to mine and wanted to close the gap between our hands.

I told you that you could talk if you wanted to since I couldn't sleep anyway. "How will that help?" It helps to hear your voice sometimes but I wasn't about to tell you that. I told you that it might help you relax and it wouldn't bother me. So you talked. You talked about distant memories of when civilization was new. You talked about how you've watched monsters and humanity grow and that you never thought to watch the angels grow and develop at the same time.

When I started to drift off listening to you talk, I felt my head fall toward your shoulder. I didn't move and neither did you so that's how I fell asleep- with my head resting on your shoulder.

When I woke up you weren't there anymore and your pillow was gone. If the bed didn't smell like you I would have thought it was a dream.

-DW

Dear Cas,

While I was researching Greek mythology and customs I came across the six different types of love. Eros, Philia(Storge), Ludus, Agape, Pragma, and Philautia.

Eros is sexual love and tension. It's how I feel when we're close together or alone. It's how I dream sometimes. Eros frightened the ancient Greeks because it was a loss of control and firey passion that isn't something that can be easily tamed.

Philia is about strong bonds between friends or two soldiers who fight side by side. Storge is a part of Philia but it belongs to siblings and parents. I would say that I feel Philia but not Storge for you. Storge is for Sam and Charlie and Kevin. You are my friend. You are someone I've fought side by side with. You are worth loving in more than one way.

Ludus is playful love full of teasing and easy flirtation or the beginning of relationships. I've flirted and I've teased but the people that I've done that with weren't people I loved or ever thought about loving. I teased you and maybe I might have flirted a little.

Agape is something I know I have in a sense because I was raised to. It's the love for everyone or charitable love or whatever you want to call it. It's the love behind saving others for nothing in return. It's the love behind rescuing people and not telling them the truth about monsters. It's the motto behind every hunter in spite of the fact that no hunter starts because of selflessness- it's always revenge.

Pragma is reserved for longstanding couples who have been married for years or together for years and know everything there is to know about the other. It's not falling in love, it's staying in love and working to stay in love every day for the rest of their lives. It's what I dream about having with you someday. It's what Sam hoped for with Jess and Amelia. It's what I hope for with you.

Philautia is cut off from me. It's self love. There's two ways to look at it- narcissism or caring about yourself in a loving way that opens your heart to more. I have neither and have no desire for either. I may be a person and therefore deserving of love and happiness, but that doesn't make my love and happiness the most important. I've always put Sam's before mine because I know that I'm not that important. I'm his keeper. I'm Dad's soldier. I'm supposed to be Michael's vessel. I'm a hunter. I'm expendable. I'm here to keep Sam safe and do as much as I can before I go down. And I know I'll go down.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I saw flowers that were labeled as being good for bees in the store today. I thought about buying them and I walked away to find beer.

Then I saw them again as I walked by to find pie.

I picked some up and smelled them when I passed by again before putting them back and going to buy bananas for Sam.

I bought them when I walked by again to pick up a newspaper in the stand next to the flowers.

I looked over at them on the front seat of the impala as I put the rest of the groceries in the back seat. I thought about why I bought them and what I was going to do with them.

I thought about giving them to you as I drove home. I thought about telling you how beautiful you looked today and handing you the flowers that would be good for your beloved bees.

I thought about you rejecting the compliment, rejecting me. I thought about you pushing the flowers away and pretending I hadn't said anything.

I pulled over to the side of the road and planted the flowers by myself in the woods. I got back into the impala and I drove away without looking back at where I knew the flowers were planted.

I came inside the bunker and pretended that I never found any flowers. I pretended I never bought any flowers. I pretended that I didn't give up on telling you how I feel by planting some flowers in the woods on my way home. I pretended that all I went to the store for was beer, bananas, and pie.

-DW


	23. Chapter 23

Dear Cas,

The Sun came out and with it, a massive heat wave. I brought Baby out to clean her in the sunlight. I brought all the cars and motorcycles in the bunkers garage and I cleaned them all. I gave them a good mechanic check up and made notes of what I need to buy to do some fixing up and oil changes before actually going into town so I could do everything all in one day. It was a great excuse for staying outside in the Sun all day.

Spending the day cleaning and fixing the cars and motorcycles reminded me of time spent with Bobby. When Dad would hunt alone, he would drop us off with Bobby with instructions to teach us some hunting skill. Bobby almost never listened to Dad. There was a full Summer Sam and I spent with Bobby. That Summer I learned how to fix up cars while Sam learned about cleaning and waxing. He didn't set us up and leave us out there to work by ourselves. He taught us and played music and brought us water and soda once we got the hang of it. He told us about the cars and would interrupt himself to correct me or show me something I missed. When the cars were done we would eat together and watch old movies. Some days instead of working on cars we helped Bobby do dishes or clean the house or make lists of what needed restocking and go into town with him to buy them. That Summer was one of the best Summers of my life. Whenever I thought of family I thought of that Summer where I felt like I had a dad who loved and cared about Sam and I.

Now family is a little different. Family used to be just Sam and I. Or it was just blood with Sam, Dad and I. Or Bobby, Sam, and I. It wasn't huge. Now it means more. It means Jodie taking care of us and loving us for who we are. It's Bobby being the best dad we could have asked for. It's Jo and Charlie and Kevin being the little sisters and brother we never really wanted but got and cared about anyway. It's you being there for me and Sam whenever you can. Bobby used to say Family don't end in blood. And he was right.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I found myself in Illinois. I left Sam at the motel to sleep while I drove because I couldn't sleep and a stretch of road started to look familiar. Then I saw a barn with a broken roof and no latch to keep the doors closed. I pulled over and walked into the old barn.

Sigils I'd drawn years ago covered the inside of the barn. No one had ever come to clean it up and I'd never come back to do it myself. The two tables where we'd had our weapons and summoning spell set up were empty. I looked around at the faded spray paint sigils before looking up at the roof.

I remembered the roof falling apart from your entrance as I'd stood where I sit now. I looked at the barn doors and at the broken wooden latch that you broke to come into the barn. The lights above me are still broken. I remember you walking toward me as the lights above and around you sparked and shattered.

I remember stabbing you and the slightly annoyed look you got on your face before yanking it out of your chest and dropping the knife. I thought you were invincible then. I'd shot you, I'd stabbed you, you were immune to every sigil we'd painted, you were successful in pulling me out of hell. I know better now. I've seen you die. I've seen you scared. I've seen you fail.

As I sit here in this old abandoned barn I keep expecting you to walk through the barn doors as you are now. I wonder if your wings have changed. I remember when I didn't believe you were an angel and you showed your wings to me. The shadow of your wings filled the wall behind you and made you look powerful and… well… angelic. I wish you would walk through those doors and remember with me.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Claire called me. The first thing she told me was that this wasn't a call about monsters and that she was fine. Then she told me things she remembered and missed about her dad.

She told me about a memory from when she was little. Jimmy used to take her to the park and push her on the swings. She used to swing and tell him about how she was going to be an astronaut and launch into space. So he'd push her as high as he could and when she was ready, she leaped from the swing and landed on her feet. He used to build cardboard spaceships with her at their home and they'd pretend she was blasting off to Mars or Venus or the Moon.

She told me about how her mom and dad made her dress up for church every Sunday. Her mom would make her wear dress shoes but Jimmy would help her into some sneakers instead at the last minute. She told me that after church every Sunday, her family would meet up with friend's families for a brunch at a local restaurant. She told me that after you took her dad away the second time, her mom never took her back to church.

She told me more but I can't write it all.

I didn't talk that entire phone call. She just talked and then she told me to forget the conversation and never talk to her or anyone else about it ever again before hanging up. I get it. It's hard to process on your own. So I'll never tell anyone that she ever called me of all people at one in the morning to talk about her dad.

-DW


	24. Chapter 24

Dear Cas,

I made the mistake of ordering pizza to be delivered to our motel room while you were with us. I answered the door and left it open while I dug the dollar bills out of my wallet to give to him. I caught sight of the look on your face. Your eyes got wide and you looked from me to him and croaked "Dean…?" At first I thought you were seeing a demon or evil angel and I was ready to grab for my knife but then I realized it was a pizza man. I shoved the money into his hands took the pizza and slammed the door before you could say anything else. Sam just laughed.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I hadn't seen you in weeks. I hadn't heard from you at all in weeks. I woke up last night when you crawled into bed next to me in my pajamas with the pillow you used last time. I scooted over without saying a word and you laid quietly next to me. I don't know what you do for those quiet hours where you stay in bed next to me. You don't sleep and as far as I know you don't need any kind of rest at all.

I didn't go back to sleep. I couldn't. I kept thinking about telling you off for showing up out of nowhere with no explanation. I thought about why you had started coming to my room to think and if you knew what it was doing to me. I thought about the fact that your face was eased of all tension and hurt both times you have come to my room to relax.

-DW

Dear Cas,

My top five moments in life for you that didn't make it to heaven.

. Sam confided in me one day that he was going to apply to college. He told me that he knew it was the right path for him to take and asked me if I would support him. I told him I didn't know anything about applying to colleges but of course I would support him and help him. In secret, I helped him get the money for the application fees and bought a P.O. box for him to use as his mailing address.

. One of my first hunts alone, I saved a kid. It was the first time I was thanked for doing my job. I saved him and brought him to the hospital. His parents were called and they looked at me and they thanked me for saving their boy.

. The first time I drove the impala alone I was going to pick Sam up from school. I was supposed to pick him up and bring him home immediately so we could research the case dad had just found. I didn't listen. I drove to a crappy 7/11 and bought us slurpies and junk food. We went to the beach and sat on the hood of the car enjoying our time before we had to go back to dad.

. When I spent a month with Bobby after I dropped out of highschool and he convinced me to get a GED because why not. We spent that month studying and taking practice tests. The day before dad came to get me I took my GED test at the local high school.

. The day I realized that I was in love with you. The day I realized that it wasn't just a crush on the cute angel anymore. The day I realized that I'd been in love with you since you spoke your own name to me in an abandoned barn.

-DW


	25. Chapter 25

Dear Cas,

Sam told me about the hunt where he abandoned Sully, his imaginary friend who turned out to be real. He told me that Dad had found a hunt and had left him behind. He told me I had called him and told him he had to stay behind and that I'd call in a few days but Dad changed his mind and let him come. That's not how it went.

Dad found a case and took me with him while Sam was at school. We were going to scope the hunt first then bring him up if it was something we could bring him along to. Dad told me to tell Sam to pack his things and get ready for us to pick him up. I didn't want Sam on the hunt. It meant Sam would miss maybe a week or more of school and he could get hurt. So I lied and I called Sam to tell him that he had to stay behind.

Dad called Sam the next day asking if he was going to be ready in an hour for pick up. Sam was confused, excited, and ready. Dad asked me why Sam was so confused about him calling to tell him we were picking him up. He dealt with me later when Sam was at school two weeks later. That was when I really learned never to go behind Dad's back and lie.

When I found out that that hunt was what made Sam abandon his imaginary friend and what made me snap out of my teenage rebellion against Dad, I wanted to tell Sam the truth about that hunt. I wanted to tell him that that hunt didn't just take his friend away, it took part of me away until Dad died.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I remember when Dad went missing. I remember dragging Sam back into this and preventing him from having the life he wanted with Jess and a degree.

I used to use Halloween to get close to Sam. I would drive by his school and apartment as often as I could and dared, but on Halloween everyone was is masks so I wasn't afraid to get closer. Halloween was coming up. Dad had found some case and asked me to come with him. I told him I'd found another case that I wanted to clean up and then we'd meet back. He told me he would check in every night.

He didn't check in. I drove up to Sam's college anyway and sat in the bar with a mask on, drinking and listening in on conversations. I heard Sam and his friends talking about his test scores and I was proud and that made me want to turn back to my car and leave instead of ask him to come with me. I went so far as to get in my car and drive. My plan had been to talk to Sam before the night was over. Maybe knock on the door like an older brother and talk to my younger brother for the first time in years.

I drove away from Stanford. I drove and I thought about what I was going to do and I turned around. I drove back to Stanford and broke into Sam's apartment and practically kidnapped him.

Sam could have been a hotshot lawyer. Sam could have been a husband, father, and dog owner. He could have had everything he wanted but I know better than to think it's my fault. If I hadn't been there, he would have watched Jess die anyway. He would have been alone if I hadn't been there to drag him out of there.

I don't blame myself but I feel bad for the kid. I watch him grow up and I watch him become more hunter and less college boy the longer we hunt.

I was so proud of him and angry at him the day he left to go to college. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to go to college and leave Dad behind. I wanted to find someone and settle down with my nice job. I was so proud of him and I don't think he ever knew it.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I remember there was a day where Lisa was at work and Ben and I were alone together at the house. We were playing the Game of Life and listening to ACDC and spending time together. He had been asking me questions throughout the whole game. Then he asked me about my Dad.

I didn't want to regale him with tales of how badly my father raised me. I didn't want to use an escape route and tell him that my dad was just dead. I didn't want him to know about John Winchester at all. So I told him about Bobby Singer instead.

I told him about Bobby teaching me to cook in his small kitchen when he found out that my cooking skill maxed out at kraft dinners and microwave meals. He taught me how to make a burger, lasagna, shepherd's pie (which I was disappointed because of the misleading name), and a ton of other stuff. I told him that Bobby knew how to make all of those things because of his wife who I'd only met once and she had been a lovely lady.

I told him about the time Bobby thought he was only going to have us for the month before school started but Dad didn't come back in time. I left out that I was supposed to be anywhere else but Bobby's. Bobby took us back to school shopping for spiral notebooks and pencils and he drove us to school every morning. He picked us up every afternoon. He made us snacks out of pretzels and carrots while he made us to our homework.

I told him about when Bobby cuddled up on the couch with Sam and I and watched kids movies with us when I was no more than eight. I told him about him taking me out to the park and teaching me to play catch instead of teaching me to shoot.

I told him about the only Dad I actually had.

-DW


	26. Chapter 26

To Castiel,

You pressed two of your fingers to my forehead and healed what was physically broken. You closed wounds, took away inflammation, wiped blood away. You also cleared away every scar I had. I don't know whether to thank you or not. Some of those scars were memories that I didn't want taken away. Some were insignificant and I don't miss them. I don't know how your power works. I don't know if you could have selected which ones to leave behind or not but I wish you had.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I just woke up from a nightmare. I'd been in hell. I was reliving the last day I had in hell. I was beating the soul out of some guy. His skin was ripped to shreds from my instruments. I don't mean he was torn up badly. I mean he had skin hanging off of him like ripped rags draped sparingly over a stick. In some places, his skin was gone completely. His screams filled my ears. My vision went spotty as bright light flashed through hell. More screams rose and I'm sure some of them were mine as my shoulders burned and everything went black.

I woke up gripping my shoulders where your handprints used to be. I went to the bathroom and lifted my shirt sleeve to see my blank shoulder. There was no raised burn or shiny scar tissue in the shape of your hand. I remember doing the same thing when I made it out of hell and into that gas station you blew apart.

I remember the first time I went into the shower after you healed me and your handprints were gone from my shoulders. Every scar I'd had was gone, but those meant something. I stood in the shower and splayed my hand over where your hand prints had burned and scarred me. I looked in the mirror to make sure they were gone.

-DW

Dean rolled over in his motel bed and ran his hand over his shoulder, gripping where Cas's handprint once had been. He closed his eyes and prayed to his dead angel to return to him.


	27. Chapter 27

Dean missed the bunker that they'd blown up. He missed having his own room, a place to write or read or pray privately. Sam had left to get them food. Dean closed the curtains and pulled out his magazine scrapbook. He flipped to a random page and ran his fingers over the glossy photos that were taped in.

An upside down picture of a very confused Cas, a scrap of paper where Cas had shown Dean what Dean's name looked like in Enochian, Cas standing next to the impala while Dean was under the car working. A single black feather slipped from the page. Dean picked it up carefully and pressed it back into the page.

Dear Cas,

I found your letters but I was too late. I was too late for a lot of things.

I don't know how many times I read your letters. I don't know if I can ever read them again. Seeing your handwriting telling me you love me was worse than being stabbed, shot, or electrocuted. I should have told you.

You responded to my letters and I don't know what to say in this letter. You're gone and it's tearing me apart. I don't know if I'm supposed to respond, get so drunk I pass out, or burn up this stupid magazine that should have been yours since the moment I made it. I'm going to respond.

No, Cas, you were never supposed to find it. You weren't supposed to happen upon it. I was supposed to give it to you. I wasn't supposed to keep writing to you and never give them to you. I was going to find the perfect way to show you the pictures I'd saved, the letters I'd written, the memories I cherish, the love.

I should have found the letters you wrote back. I should have known when things started getting misplaced. Letters were in the wrong pages or the magazine was in the wrong spot. I should have been more suspicious. I should have looked through and found your letters. I found them eventually. I found them when it was too late. I found them.

While I grieve your death and try to find a way to bring you back, I find comfort in knowing that you always heard my prayers. I can't help but smile knowing you remember each way I've addressed you in my prayers well enough to write them down. I'm not supposed to be smiling, Cas. I'm supposed to be sad and angry and determined to get you back. I am all of those things but it's hard not to smile when you find out that the angel your heart belongs to loves you too.

It's been a long time since I've thought about what Balthazar said. I'd forced myself to not think about what he'd said because it was making my head spin. I felt played when he told me you were in love with me. I felt like he'd read it all over my face that I was in love with you. I'm glad I was wrong on all fronts. I didn't know there was even a rule in heaven about angels falling in love. I didn't think angels fell in love unless they...well… fell. I should know better by now. I didn't think any monsters could fall in love and I was proven wrong time and time again. Garth and Bess. Benny and Andrea. I watched Meg fall for you. Hunters fall in love and we're a brand of monsters, too.

Everything hurts knowing what Lucifer told you to keep you quiet. I remember finding you and Crowley possessed you to talk you into expelling Lucifer and you still wouldn't do it. He told me Lucifer's grip on you was too strong but I never imagined the things he could have been telling you to keep you there. I was stupid in thinking that you didn't come back because you thought Lucifer could do better. I'm sorry I couldn't save you sooner. I'm sorry I left you in there with him telling you those horrible things. I'm so sorry, Cas.

Nothing would change if we were together. We could fight side by side like we already do. We could do research together like we already do. I remember when you were human and you called me to come take care of a case. It was the first time you were scared by hunting. It was the first time I realized consciously that you had the ability to be scared. It made me think that we could never be together because I wouldn't want you to be scared all the time. When you got some grace back, your courage came with and the hope was reignited.

I wish I could have heard the prayers you prayed to me. I've always wondered what it was like to be on the receiving end of a prayer. It's awkward to pray but how awkward must it be to be going about your business and you have someone else's voice in your head praying? It must be something like when you randomly show up standing two inches from my face.

I wouldn't have called you a brother or my family if I had known you loved me too. It's a circle, I know. If you'd known I loved you, you would have told me. If I'd know you loved me, I would have told you. I'm sorry it didn't go differently. I should have told you every day.

I didn't know you said the names I made up for monsters. I didn't hear you on the phone when I'd been fighting. I wish I had. The only time anyone's gone along with the name I give to a hybrid creature was when we found the Jefferson Starships that Eve had created.

I wrote to you about children because I have dreams of us raising orphaned hunter children or monster children who can turn out to be good if they're raised right. I dream of marrying you and having the perfect life. A life that isn't as impossible as getting out of the hunting life. I dream of hunting with you and having a family with you. I know it's selfish, but it's the best dreams I've had.

We always thought I would die first. Where do you go when you die? Heaven? Purgatory? A void that no one's heard about? I asked if you would join me in heaven because I couldn't even imagine that you would die first. I couldn't think up a life where I would be longing to join you wherever you were in your afterlife. I would go to you in a heartbeat if I knew where you were or how to get to you.

You were disappointed in your meeting with my mother. I was, too. She didn't want to be a mother. She didn't want to be in the future. She didn't approve of working with angels or demons or any monster. She let me down. I don't care if she approves of you or not. I don't care if she gives her blessing for us to date or get married. I don't care. I just want you to be alive and happy and by my side.

Saying goodbye to you when I thought I was going to take out Amara and myself with her… That was one of the most difficult moments of my life. I wanted to tell everyone too bad once you hugged me. I wanted to back out and say that Chuck needed to try again before I left you behind. I didn't want to let go of you and every step I took toward Amara after saying goodbye to you felt like walking on glass. Now I know how you felt when you thought I was dead after that. I watched you die and my world feels like it's shattered.

You tell me that Naomi made you murder me thousands of times. You tell me now? You didn't tell me what Lucifer said to you to let him have your vessel. You didn't tell me Naomi forced you to kill me thousands of times. I know she's dead but I could kill her right now for doing that to you. I remember the look in your eye as you raised your angel blade to kill me after beating me. Your eyes glossed over and your jaw set. I remember seeing your grip loosen on the blade until it fell. I thought you were going to end me when you leaned down to touch my face that was bloody and broken. I want to take the pain of what she did to you away. I want to take all of your pain away. You aren't alive and I'm trying to bring you back. I don't know if that would create pain or alleviate it. I don't know where you are.

You've taken care of me many times. It's not an easy task, I know. Thank you for taking care of me and caring about me even when I do neither for myself. Thank you for taking care of Sam for me whenever I've needed or asked you to. You don't know how much it means that you give us your all.

Now, I have read how much you love me. I need to bring you back so I can actually tell you. So I can actually kiss you and hug you and tell you that I know and that I found your words of love. That I found your feather in my notebook. That I love you more every day and that there's no way to put it into words. I love you. I need you back. I love you, Castiel.

Love,

Dean Winchester


	28. Chapter 28

Dear Cas,

There's something about the night sky that makes my heart skip. It could be that it's the same color as your eyes in shadow. It could be that I remember watched the angels fall from it, proof that where you come from is just behind that deep blue sky. It could be that most of my dreams where we talk or hold hands is at night under the same stars that I see when I'm awake.

Important things seem to happen at night. Mom died and I was given the task of protecting Sam in the middle of the night. The car crash that nearly killed me happened at night while Sam was driving. The reaper that almost killed me to save Layla happened at night. I met you for the first time in a barn in the dead of night.

Night is when Sam and I do our work of salting and burning bodies or breaking into buildings to do our job. Night is when I pray to you or write to you. Night is when I dream about you.

-DW

Dear Cas,

There's nothing quite so awful about waking up from a dream where life was nearly perfect. Nothing can come close to the horrible sinking I feel when reality swims into view and I'm alone in my bed that just seconds ago I was sharing with you in a dream. The twist in the gut when I get up and realize I still haven't told you… that we're still just friends. The ache when I know I probably won't tell you and that the dreams are all I have.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I'm not a creative person so forgive the sketches of your wings on this page. I've been practicing, trying to make the one drawing I've ever drawn look perfect.

The last time I drew was probably before Mom died. I never did art projects for school even if they were assigned. Every time someone asks for Sam and I to paint or draw I give that honor to him. The only things I draw now are sigils.

The only reason I'm trying to draw your wings and perfect it is because I don't know how else to show you how much I love you without using words. I remember every detail of the wings that spread wide on the barn wall the night I met you. The memory of it is burned into my brain. I'm sure I can draw them and draw them perfectly.

-DW

Dear Cas,

The first time I drove the impala was when I had just gotten tall enough to see over the steering wheel. Dad taught me basics and let me drive around abandoned dirt lots. Dad taught me to drive but he never taught Sammy. When Sam was in high school, he took driver's ed at the school. He asked me to teach him to drive since he never saw eye to eye with Dad and it wasn't like Dad was around often enough. Sometimes, Dad would leave for weeks on a hunting trip with another hunter and leave me with Sam and Baby. So I taught Sam to drive and brought him to get his driver's license when he was sixteen.

There's only two times I'm thinking about right now that I've been proud of Sam the way a dad should be instead of a brother. The day he was accepted into Stanford and the day he came running back to me after the driving test with a sheet that said that he'd passed.

-DW


	29. Chapter 29

Dear Cas,

I have never been embarrassed when a girl I barely know walks into the bathroom unexpectedly when I'm in the shower. Then again, they've seen me naked so what's to be embarrassed about? That being said, you appearing in the bathroom when I was in the shower made me fall and pull the curtain down around me. It didn't help when you tried to help me up and out of the shower curtain while explaining that you heard news that you needed to tell me. I could have done without you pointing out that my face was red "probably from the temperature of the water."

-DW

Dear Cas,

I know Sam would have ended up somewhere dark even if I hadn't come to get him that Halloween. I know that Jessica still would have died the way Mom did. I know that it's probably best that I was there or else who knows where Sam would have gone or what lengths he would have gone to by himself. I know all of that but I still beat myself up.

I have nightmares about the things that I said to him, mocking his choice in life. I had once been the big brother who helped him into school and hoped the best for him. I had once been the brother who wanted him to succeed in escaping the life. I had been alone with Dad for 4 years. I had seen Sam only once in those 4 years, halfway through and it didn't go well. I was jealous and angry that he could leave me behind when I never left him.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I used to put you on a pedestal, thinking you were immortal and invincible. I thought you were the best of all angels because of how powerful and venerable you are. I hated you a little bit despite my crush and despite how high I held you. I hated how your view of what was good didn't line up with mine and thought that if you were this perfect being, was I doing something wrong?

I think you do the same to me. I think you put me on a pedestal of how the best humans and hunters are supposed to be. I've watched you try to be like me or use my mannerisms or doubt your own judgement based on mine.

Now, I think neither of us are perfect in any way. I've never thought I was a perfect hunter, son, brother, human. You went from saying that you were an angel of the lord to you were god to you were nothing to human to nothing. I heard my own voice saying that I thought I was poison. I know neither of us is perfect. I still love you. I still think you do good.

Our views of good changed after we met each other. We went from seeing things from completely different views to similar enough to be partners on cases or research together or fight side by side.

I don't put you on a pedestal anymore. I see your faults and love you because of them and in spite of them. I see who you are and don't idolize you because of your species or your power. I stand next to you on solid ground and love you for who you are.

-DW


	30. Chapter 30

Alone and undiscovered in a barely used room in the bunker was a small stack of letters that Dean would never find, inside the pillow case. Cas had meant to give them to Dean via the magazine before he'd left, but there hadn't been enough time.

Dear Dean,

I found the flowers that you planted beside the road. I go there as often as I can to tend the small garden that you planted for me. I go there when I need to think or during the idle hours of the night when both you and Sam are sleeping for the few hours that you do. I have read your letters while sitting beside my small garden. It would have been nice to receive the flowers and proclamation of love, but I still received both in the end.

If I knew of a flower that would bring you joy, I would find and plant it in the garden you made me. I might even press it and put it into your book of love. I could make a bouquet of it and bring it to you before kissing you for the first time.

Love,

Castiel

Dear Dean,

The names you have given me, both in letters and aloud, make me feel.

Most mornings you call me "Sunshine". The first time you used that name, I was confused. I was and never have been either the star nor the rays that come from that star. An angel can take many forms, but only a God can take the form of a star. The more you said it, I began to realize that it was my name in the morning, the first time you see me in the day. After reading the letters, it became clear that I am your sunshine as you are mine. Seeing you brightens my view of the world and everything I can see.

When you told me that the monsters in Purgatory called me "your angel", I wanted to tell you that I am. You want me to be your angel. I want you to be my human. I will forever be your angel, wings, the harp you always insist that I own, and filthy trenchcoat included.

With Love,

Your Angel,

Castiel

Dear Dean,

You write of pledging your loyalty to me that night and my not noticing. I chose you over all the angels, losing the army I had against Metatron, for you and you did not seem to notice the implications. I have told you I love you and you can't hear it through your own self doubt and loathing. Now, you write to me of love and loyalty but hide the letters and the truth from me. I write of love and loyalty and you have yet to find the letters in answer.

I love you. It pains me to feel your longing, read your love, despair, and longing and know that without your own acceptance, we can never outwardly love each other. I can hug you and you will hug me back. What would happen with a kiss? What would happen if instead of walking away from the hug, I pulled back enough to press my lips to yours? Would you push me away, freeze, or kiss me back? I know you love me, but would your reaction betray that love?

Love,

Castiel


	31. Chapter 31

Under the small stack of letters that had been left behind by Cas, unfinished, half thought out, spur of the moment letters waited to be finished and read.

Dear Dean,

Even after I've read your letters, I sometimes doubt that what you feel for me is anything more than platonic love. You call me brother and it still hurts even after I've read the truth.

Dear Dean,

I've had two first kisses. I believe this leaves me with enough experience to know what I would want our first kiss to be like. I want you to kiss me instead of the other way around. I want you to hold either side of my face and press your lips against mine without hesitation.

Dear Dean,

I wish I had a nickname for you. You are very good at giving nicknames. Crowley has even given nicknames that are better than anything I can come up with. I see you and the only thing I can think of to say is "Hello, Dean." It pales in comparison to your "Goodmorning, Sunshine." "What's up, Cas?"

Dear Dean,

I have lived for many millenia. I have existed even before the Winchester family line had even become an idea. I had been to Earth a few times. I had never stayed longer than needed and I had certainly never pulled any person or soul out of Hell before I found you. I had never felt what it is to love until I had felt the pull toward you instead of my orders from Heaven.

I made the mistake of telling another angel of hope and love. She told me that those emotions, those feelings were reserved for humans. I felt those before I became human. I knew what it was to love and hope before my grace was stolen. If I hadn't, I probably wouldn't have made the mistakes that I have.

Dear Dean,

I overheard a small human child telling her friend that freckles are where angels have kissed you. I know for a fact that this isn't true. I have tried to count your freckles and the task has proved nearly impossible. While I count them I think about if there will ever be a day where we can make that fake fact true.

Dear Dean,

Dean Dean Dean

Dear Dean,

The day I found out that Jimmy Novak was dead was one of the happiest and saddest days I've experienced in this decade. I hated to know that my occupying his body had killed him, but I was elated because now I had my own true human form that didn't belong to anyone else anymore. The guilt I felt knowing how you beat yourself up over thinking that this vessel could be shared was eased when I found that Jimmy was gone.

Dear Dean,

I had never thought I was going to fall in love, either. I didn't think it was possible for me, an angel, to fall in love. Much less fall in love with a human.

I love you, Dean Winchester. I will love you forever.


	32. Chapter 32

Dear Cas,

I can't begin to imagine what Dad would say if he saw how my life was now. If he could see what I've done to the Winchester name. I was his soldier who was supposed to be perfect but never made it there. Look what I've done since he's died.

I sold my soul to bring Sam back. I went to hell and I enjoyed it. I fell in love with the angel who dragged me out of hell. I helped Sam accidentally let Lucifer into the world. I went to Purgatory. I befriended a vampire. I've killed myself to bargain with reapers. I have a working relationship with Death. Had.. I worked closely with and kind of befriended a demon- the king of hell. I took on the Mark of Cain. I became a demon.

Probably the icing on the cake for everything I could have done to disappoint my father is that I have been happier since he died. I have been happier since he went missing and I had an excuse to talk to my brother again. I was so happy without him in my life. When I finally got past that he was really gone- I felt relieved and happy.

So please, Cas, don't tell me my dad made it to heaven. Not after what he put Sam and I through. Not after what he turned into when Mom died.

-DW

Dear Cas,

There's something about drunk dreaming that makes the dreams different. If I'm just a little drunk, it's nice. I get to kiss you in the dreams and see it go farther than usual. I get to tell you I love you and hear you say it back. When I'm smashed, it's worse. That's when I have the dreams where I tell you I love you and you look away awkwardly and tell me that you could never see me that way. That's when I dream of hugging you and when I pull away you're limp and dead in my arms. Waking up from those dreams leave me covered in cold sweat and shaking.

-DW

My Angel,

There's not a color more beautiful than the blue of your eyes. There's not a sight that can beat the smile on your lips. No sweeter sound than the sound of your voice.

This is sappy and strange to write out but it's all true. Sorry. I just wanted to try it.

-DW


	33. Chapter 33

Dear Cas,

The weird things I find out about you. You like to tend to bee gardens and harvest the honey. You comfort livestock before killing it to make sandwiches. You want a guinea pig. I don't know how the last one came up. Sam mentioned it.

The more I learn, the more gets added to my dream house that I might someday make for you. A nice house with enough acres for your livestock and bees. In a room we can build a big jungle gym for your guinea pig. A walk in closet with trenchcoats and flannels. A study lined with books on lore and spells with a computer and a stairwell leading to a Bobby inspired panic room. The kitchen would be big enough to make gourmet meals. Our dining room would be the kind that gets used for big family gatherings like Thanksgiving and Christmas. We could have Jodie and the girls come over and Sam and his gal. We would have a two car garage for Baby and your pimp mobile. We could have a separate garage for mechanic work I work I would do for them and a shed or small barn for your gardening.

-DW

Dear Cas,

We said we'd never play Monopoly with you again but I wasn't ready to give up all games. Playing Clue was a mistake. You peeked or your you used weird angel vision or something, but there is no way you knew what was in that envelope. You wrote no clues down. You had shit cards. You didn't even suspect people which is the best part of the game!

So we tried Life. How do you cheat at Life? What kind of a monster cheats at the Game of Life? You couldn't have landed on all of those Life Tile spaces. There's no way. And the buried treasure spot? No one lands there. It's like a magic spot that exists to tease. No one lands there. Even if you did land there, you couldn't have missed all of the pay spots like taxes and tornadoes. Not buying it.

I honestly didn't think that there was a way to cheat at Sorry. I never thought I'd play that game and lose to a cheating angel. You're slipping cards or something. You caught up to every single one of my pieces and looked up at me with those big eyes and just said "Sorry." You lie. You're not sorry. You moved each and every one of my pieces back to the starting circle with joy.

I even tried leaving board games behind. Maybe something else. Like Jenga. How does one cheat at Jenga? You can write a book on how to cheat at Jenga. I don't know what you did or how you did it but I used to be Jenga champion.

I'm not giving up. I'll either get you to stop cheating or I'll out cheat you. Let the games begin.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Some days I'm grateful that you're an angel again. That you have the powers that you do and that you can do the things that you do. Other days I wish you were a human again. I wish I could take you out to get good food or even make you food. I wish that when it was time to turn in for the night, you'd actually be tired and come fall asleep with me.

When you were human, though, you were afraid to be a part of this hunting life. If you were human I wouldn't be able to keep you around or have you come on hunting trips. I wouldn't be able to involve you without hating myself for asking so much of you. I'm grateful that you're an angel when you can heal us or teleport. I'm glad when you hunt with us and do or say strange things that human hunters can't do or wouldn't think of to say.

At the end of the day, I'm glad that you're you. I'm glad that I know an amazing person named Cas. I don't care if you're human or an angel. I wouldn't care if you were any other creature, monster, or beastie. You'd still be you and you're my weakest spot.

-DW


	34. Chapter 34

To Castiel,

Anna told me that angels don't feel human emotions. Angels don't feel hate or love. I don't know why it bothers me so much to hear that angels don't feel love. Maybe it's just her who couldn't before she fell? That's wishful thinking. I like you. I don't want to have a stupid crush but especially not when you can't like me back.

Uriel must have lied. "He has a weakness. He likes you." If angels can't feel human emotions what does liking mean for you? You protect me from him, I know that. I don't know why. I don't know what liking means to you angels.

-DW

Cas,

The angels could see me in hell. The angels watched me get tortured. The angels knew that they wanted me to be Michael's vessel. Why didn't anyone pull me out before I tortured, before I gave in? Why didn't you stop any of it? Why did it take you so long to get me out? Why?

You saw everything happen. You saw me get tortured. You watched it happen and you didn't do anything. Then you watched me torture and you let me. You let me for long enough that I liked it and then you let me do it longer.

How long was every other angel going to sit back and watch? How long did you actually wait to pull me up? Why did I have to go through that? To prove myself to you assholes that I'm the perfect vessel for Michael? To entertain you rats with wings?

-DW

Cas,

Dreams of slipping and falling but never crash landing or landing at all. There's nothing but terror and waking up ready to fight or run. There's nothing left.

Dreams of Sam's eyes turning black or yellow. Sam's smile twisted into a smug horrific girn.

Dreams of nothing but black while I hear screaming all around me. My insides turning at the screeching and howls of pain. Sometimes my own voice is mixed in with the screams.

-DW


	35. Chapter 35

Cas,

You let me down. You let me walk into that room and torture my torturer. You let me give in to the me that was supposed to stay downstairs. You let it all happen. You didn't come to stop it. You didn't come in and change your mind. You didn't do anything until I couldn't breathe and thought for sure that I was about to die again. I thought you were better than them. I thought I could trust you to at least want me to be a good person. I thought I could trust that you wanted to leave that part of me in hell where he belongs but you did it. You brought me topside. You told me to do it. You gave me the instruments. You did this to me. And then you come confessing to me that it was all for nothing. You come to me confessing that you knew you were too late to raise me from hell after I jump started the apocalypse. I hate myself, Cas. I hate myself and I hate what Sam became and is becoming and I hate you for doing this to me. I hate you so fucking much, Cas.

-DW

Cas,

For the first time last night I dreamed of a blue eyed, brown haired, serious faced man. I dreamed of his lips on mine. I dreamed of casually laughing with him over his tie being backwards. I dreamed of you, Cas. I dreamed of you every night. It doesn't matter how mad I am at you or how much I want to hate you. I can't get you out of my head.

It matters and stuck out because the only thing I'd been able to dream about since I got back from hell was the torture and the torturing. The screams and the fear. The souls and the demons. But I saw you. I dream a good dream for the first time in a long time and it's you.

-DW

Cas,

There's something about you. I try to hate you. I wake myself up from dreams about you. I go against things that you tell me. I fight against you every chance that I get.

But I can't hate you. I wake up and I want the dreams back. I ache for them. I start doing the opposite of what you tell me to do and I doubt myself and my actions, thinking I need to stop and do what you tell me. I fight against you and wish I would stop.

I don't know what it is about you.

-DW


	36. Chapter 36

Dear Cas,

I love your responses to jokes and riddles.

I was refilling my holy water flask and asked you "How do you make holy water?" And you actually started to answer the real answer. I cut you off with the joke answer. "You boil the hell out of it." It took you a moment but you smiled and said, "A joke." Your smile lights up the room if not the entire world.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I'm in love with how you and I eat at diners. I love how you order the same thing or my second choice and the same beer that I order and you leave it untouched as we talk. I love how when I finish you sit back just enough for me to change our plates and drinks. I love how none of it phases you and I never asked you to do it.

I don't remember when you started ordering food with us. I don't remember when you started to notice what my second choice burger was and ordered it for me. I wish I could. I don't know why you do it other than Sam won't let it happen if he's around.

It makes me kind of sad though. Part of me loves it and never wants it to stop but another part of me wishes I could make you your favorite food but you don't eat- take you to your favorite restaurant- eat candy on Halloween with you- get you chocolate covered strawberries on Valentine's Day…

-DW

Dear Cas,

There's a strong chance that I've been drinking. It may be safe to say that I'm too drunk to walk into the bunker from the impala. I think I'm sleeping in the garage tonight. I probably shouldn't keep this much liquor in the impala. My bad.

It's all fine. Sam thinks I'm out at a bar sleezing it up with some chick. He doesn't know I'm plastered in the backseat at our home thinking about a blue eyed angel. I haven't seen or heard from you and my mind is overrun with worry and longing and I can't stop it.

-DW

Dear Cas,

There's something about going through everything that we've gone through together that makes it feel like I've known you for a lifetime. Like I've been standing by your side forever. It's weird to think that it's only been a few years. For you, it's been the blink of an eye.

I've watched you evolve from a law abiding, rule following, mission-comes-first angel to a feeling, caring friend. I've watched you grow as much as you've watched me grow into the person I am today.

I hope I get to keep watching. I hope I get to help you become the best version of you and you me. I hope I get to be your friend until the end. I hope.

-DW


	37. Chapter 37

Dear Cas,

I saw Sam practicing sign language in the library this morning when I couldn't sleep. He had his headphones in and when I looked over his shoulder I saw a signing video. He copied the movements and made notes on a notebook. I know who it's for and it makes me smile. It makes me hope. I want him to succeed with his sign language. I want him to be happy. If Sam can find love and take steps toward being happy in this life after everything that he's already been through, then so can I.

I already have started and stopped several times. I'm slowly learning to draw the symbols that make up the Enochian alphabet and words, but actually reading them coherently is proving difficult. I'm afraid of trying to speak it for some weird fear of being found out. Of talking too loud or accidentally summoning something.

I asked you to show me what my name looked like in Enochian. You didn't ask questions. You just said okay and drew it on the blank page in front of me. I ripped it off of the page later and kept it. Your handwriting is different. It's flowing and beautiful when you write in Enochian but it's kind of childish and rough when you write in human languages like it's brand new. I suppose to you it is.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I had a dream that I died in my sleep. I woke up in the house that I've built up in my mind. The house I want to make for you. I woke up and looked out the window and you were in the garden, just reading poems or something to the flowers and insects in your suit, tie, and tench. I asked you if I was dreaming and you told me I was in heaven. I asked if you were real or if I made you up and you told me that you were there to stay as long as I wanted you there. I lived in bliss. My car was in the driveway. The lawn was massive. Your garden was perfect. I had photo albums of all of my good memories from my life. You were by my side.

I woke up abruptly and it all melted away. The happiness. The bliss. The rock music that had been playing in my dream was faintly coming from the headphones that had fallen off while I'd slept.

If I get into heaven, will you be there? Will you make it a real heaven and stay with me? Would you be allowed to? If you couldn't stay, would you visit me? I know I'm being selfish. I know that heaven is for humans but I need you to be there, too.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Clumsy Angel, Seriously Tantalizing, Immediately Enraging Love.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I wonder what your life was like before you found yourself tangled up in the mess that came after you met me. I wonder what it was like for you to be safe in heaven. Before there was disrupt between heaven and hell. Before Sam and I let Lucifer free. I wonder what it was like for you before you made it onto Heaven's Most Wanted.

I'm sorry I fucked up your life. I know that you wouldn't be where you are today if it weren't for me. I know that Lucifer wouldn't have been set free in the first place if I hadn't made a deal to bring Sam back in the first place. I know it's my fault you aren't safe in your old home. I know it's my fault and I'm sorry.

-DW


	38. Chapter 38

In the back of John Winchester's copy of "Slaughterhouse Five" by Kurt Vonnegut, Dean had written. The book had been Dean's since he'd stolen it in his teenage years. On the blank page in the back of the book were sentences written for Cas that could never make up an entire letter or the handwriting wasn't good enough or something had stopped Dean from adding that page to his own collection of letters saved for Castiel.

Dear Cas,

There is no greater love than the love I feel for you.

I'm in love.

Dear Cas,

I miss you. I wake up and I check to see if you've called or texted or miraculously appeared in the bunker. I pray, I text, I call, I hope.

Dear Cas,

I've looked up flowers that are good for honeybees just because you love them. Cosmos, snapdragons, witch hazel, clovers…

When I can't sleep I've started to look up things about bees.

Did you know they flap their wings 12000 times a minute? How fast do angel's wings go? Do they flap at all? Are they for decoration?

Dear Cas

I can't think. My arm hurts and I think I've had 2 bottles of whiskey. I maybe 3. Help me.

Dear Cas,

I wish you were with me all the time. I wish we could hunt together on every case. I wish you would stay in the impala while I drive. I wish

Dear Cas,

I love you more than you'll ever know. I love you and you can't ever know. I love you.

-DW

Castiel, Angel of the Lord.

Castiel, angel of my heart.


	39. Chapter 39

Dear Cas,

There's something pleasant about coming home to the bunker and finding you there. It doesn't matter what kind of mood I'm in before I open the door. The second I see you and hear you say "Hello, Dean." My heart stops and I'm yours.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I told Sam that I'm not giving up but we both know full well that I am. There's no way to get the mark off of my arm. There's barely a way to cope besides aching constantly and having dreams of murder. I don't know what I'm planning to do. I just need you to stop. I need you to stop looking for Caine. I need you to stop looking for a way to save me. We all know there is no cure. There is no saving me. I have to live with the choice I made.

-DW

Dear Cas,

It's weird to think back on all the time I've had with you. To me, it's been years which is a sizeable amount for a human let alone a hunter. But to you, it's been seconds. In the long run, when Sam and I are long since gone, this time will be nothing but a speck in your memory. It'll be nothing compared to the rest of your life. But to me it will be everything.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I had a dream and the only sound I could hear in the dream was my own voice saying "I know how my story ends. It's at the edge of a blade or the barrel of a gun. The only question is, is that day today?" It repeated while I watched myself massacre monsters and people alike.

I woke up two hours after I had gone to sleep and there was no way I was going back to sleep after that. I might have had six coffees and it's only seven in the morning. The two hours I had last night were the only two hours I've had in a couple days.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I don't know if you realized this, but I spend the better part of a year looking for you. My sole intent for that entire time was to find you. I would do it again even if you let go and made me leave you behind every time.

The only other person I've spent a year with without being on the road hunting was Lisa and I was writing and praying to you every second I got. I was in a fog of depression that comes after you lose your brother, the angel you're in love with, and the only real father you've ever known. When I was in purgatory looking for you, everything was clear. I killed for you. I searched for you. I prayed to you. I found you and even then the goal was clear. Get out of purgatory with you. Be with you.

-DW


	40. Chapter 40

Dear Cas,

You're not here. But when I drive at night and I see the moon, I feel just that much better. I think that maybe at that moment, you can see the same moon that I'm looking at. You're somewhere out there. You're somewhere on the same continent as me. Human. Alive. And I'm the one who sent you away. I'm still sorry.

I see the moon and I hope that you can see it. I hope that wherever you are, you can look up and see what I see. I hope that you miss me, too.

-DW

Dear Cas,

It's strange to think that there might have once been a life for me that never led here. There maybe could have been a perfect apple pie upbringing in Kansas. I could have gone to school and actually graduated instead of dropping out and getting a GED. I could have gone to college. Met someone. Gotten married. I could have had an annoying little brother instead of the brother I had to raise. I could have had all of that in some other timeline but I never would have met you. I never would have known about angels and demons. I never would have died and come back. I wouldn't have been buried by my brother and raised from that grave by my angel.

Looking at that… I think I'd rather have the life I have now. I'd rather have the life where I know you and where I'm close with my brother and where I save people. It comes with the hurt of knowing that my mom had to die. That my dad had to become who he was. That I hated a lot of my life growing up. I'd do it all again if I knew it led to you.

-DW

Dear Cas,

You fear never belonging somewhere. Never having a home. You think I have a home. I didn't have a home. Sure I never had to worry about Earth not being my home, but I never was anywhere long enough to think of it as mine. Kansas was a dream for a long time because I knew that to be where the only house I had ever belonged in was. It was the last place we had ever called home.

I tell you that your home is with me because it is. Or. It's where I want it to be. My home is with me. It has to follow me like it always has. The bunker is a new home base but home will forever exist inside of me. Sam thinks I've put all my stock into the bunker. Sure. I have a bed I can call my own. I have a whole room just to myself. Of course that is what I'm going to call my home. Of course I'm going to decorate it and make it mine. But I couldn't stand to lose another home. I can't. So home is still in me. And it always will be. You can have a home with me if you want it, Cas.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I want to be able to sit next to you and hold your hand under the table. I want to be able to go to bed knowing that you'll be there in the morning. I wish I could say I love you and have you say it back. I dream about that kind of stuff but it won't happen to me.

I feel the happiest I have been in a long time when you work with us. When you sit with us at breakfast in a crappy diner. When you talk to me in the bunker. When you randomly show up in the backseat of my car when I'm driving. When your name shows up on the caller ID on my phone. When I hear the sound of your wings and you're suddenly there.

-DW


	41. Chapter 41

Dear Cas,

You mentioned my freckles and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day. First of all, I didn't really realize I had freckles. Freckles are things that other people have. Freckles are things that adorable kids have or cute chicks or literally anyone who isn't me. Second, you noticing me always makes me stop because then I have to go look in a mirror to make sure that what you're seeing is good. Is okay. Is good looking enough. I have to fix my hair or make sure my shirt is clean or wash the blood splatter off of me.

I looked in the mirror after you mentioned the freckles and I stared at myself for awhile. It was the first time I really looked at my freckles as being there. It was the first time that I wasn't looking for something to fix or making faces or looking past the mirror a million miles away. It was just me.

-DW

Dear Cas,

There's something to be said for battle. There's something about watching war movies and reading books and knowing about countries battling at a large enough scale in bodies sent to be called a war. There's action movies where it's one on one or one being ambushed and still winning.

Then there are the wars that Sam and I are in. There are the full blown battles between hunters and monsters. Heaven and hell. There was a time when we were seen as the optimal vessels for a war between heaven and hell. Somehow we ended up in bigger battles.

We ended up in what would never be seen as a war type movie. It's a small enough body count that it would be an action movie and called fights but it's huge. It's globally scaled. It's what monsters and hunters alike call a war but it isn't big enough for other people to see. So we aren't seen. We aren't the heroes. And that's okay.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Sometimes I dream about a world without monsters. Not a life without them. A world without them. No vampires or werewolves. No shifters or skin walkers or tulpas. No witches or ghosts. Just. People. Just everyday life without the worry of being out of the life. Without the constant need to save someone else. Without diagnosing each crime scene and fitting it to the monster of the week.

I used to like that idea. I used to think that a world without monsters might be great. A life without hunting, not because of abandonment but because there are no monsters. It all seemed like a fantasy. When I met you everything changed. I don't like angels but I like you. I can't have you without the existence of angels. I can't have ever met you if angels didn't exist.

There are other truths about it. Mom maybe still would have died young. Dad maybe still raised us the only way he knew how. Maybe I still dropped out of school and Sammy still ran off to college. Maybe Jessica still died young. Maybe I died young.

None of that phases me as much as never meeting you. My perspective changed on a lot of thing when I met you. I found myself fighting harder than ever for what I did believe in. I found myself challenged by more than just Sam. I was scared to get back into everything after hell. I didn't want to become the monster I had been down there. I was scared of opening those wounds or running into the demons that I knew. But I met you and I was pushed to. I was forced to fight and to live. I was forced to see the hole my brother had gotten himself into. I was pushed to become who I am today.

I needed to know you because I can't imagine life without you, Cas.

-DW


	42. Chapter 42

Dear Cas,

I've written you so many letters but they are still in my possession. I've confessed to you so many things. Love, dreams, fears, memories. The best of the best and the worst of the worst. You still don't know and I still have things to tell you. Every day.

I still haven't told you about the dreams where instead of Jimmy being your vessel, it's me. Where you dragged me out of hell, not for your brother but, for you. Where I say yes willingly and without a fight because it's you. I never get past saying yes. I wake up and it's gone.

I still haven't told you so much because I still haven't given you any of these damn letters. I still hide them and pretend that I don't write to you as often as possible.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I had a dream that the roles were reversed. I watched as you struggled and screamed in hell. I watched you get hurt over and over while I pleaded to help you. I screamed for someone to help you as I watched you get offered the deal every day. When I watched you break and accept the deal I felt myself break. I was the one who raised you from hell and burned your shoulders with my touch. I was the one who walked into the barn as you shot at me. I wanted to hug you and tell you that it was over. That you were okay. I wanted to kiss you and tell you that I love you. But you shot at me as I did you. You stabbed me but instead of yanking the blade from my chest I crumpled and said your name as blood spilled from my mouth. I watched as your blue eyes filled with sudden understanding and the memories of everything that had happened when this had happened before. I watched as the horror of what was happening dawned on you. As blood soaked my chest. As my head hit the floor of the barn. As the light faded and I said your name again. I woke up with your name on my lips and an ache in my chest.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I've given up. There is no life with this mark. There is nothing. I don't want to die, but I know that's where this ends. I went to confession a few weeks ago. I had to confess to being a sleazy dirtbag. I confessed the truth, the actual thoughts after. I confessed for the first time and only time that I want to tell you the truth. That I don't want to just be your friend anymore. If I'm going to die I might as well come clean, right?

Sure. So Sam left to go see some clown movie in French. I decided that maybe now was the time to call you and ask to see you and tell you the truth. I stalled first. I called other hunters. I messed with Sam's things. I paced. I called you. You didn't pick up. I went to the bar.

That's when I found out that I might not have to die. I have a curse. Not a death sentence. So I can try. All the courage I thought I had to call you up and tell you the truth is gone and I'll probably never try again.

-DW

* * *

 **Author's Note**

I feel awful not being able to reply to everyone. I LOVE comments. They keep me going so please don't hold back or think you are annoying me in any way. I thrive off of comments. A few of you comment on every chapter and I want you to know that I love and look forward to your comments each time I post. You're amazing and thank you for reading.

A few people have left questions in the comments and I'm going to answer them here.

 _Has Cas seen all of these letters or only a few of them?_ Cas has read all of these except what Dean has written after his death. So yes, he has read all of these.

 _Will there be a reunion?_ I am keeping the timeline as cannon as possible so we shall see.

 _Can you write a SamxEileen extra?_ I'm sorry but it wouldn't fit for this story. I do write some Supernatural one shots that have SamxEileen and Destiel and a few other ships that you can read on my tumblr MaggieMaybe160

After my shameless plug for my tumblr, I'll let you all know that if you ever want to talk to me or privately message me that you can and that it will be easier through my tumblr.

Thank you so much for reading!


	43. Chapter 43

**SEASON 13 SPOILER WARNING! ALL 3 EPISODES!**

* * *

Dear Cas,

I can't stop replaying everything in my head. I can't stop watching your knees fold under you as you fell. When I close my eyes I see your limp body in my arms as I carried you into the house, your head against my chest. I see my hands pull the sheet over your face.

I gave you a hunter's funeral. I gave you everything I could. I wrapped you up. I built the pyre. I lit it and said goodbye. I heard the words leave my mouth but I can't say goodbye to you. I can't.

I keep waking up from nightmares and it isn't over. You aren't back. Lucifer's son is still here. My heart is still broken. The days keep going. Time keeps turning. Nothing is getting better. It won't go backwards. I can't wake up from this.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I hate him. I know you asked me to love him. I know you wanted me to protect him and help him to be this beacon of light for everyone. He took everything from me. He doesn't know that. I know it and I know that he didn't mean to. I can't separate it. I can't separate any of it. He is the reason Mom and Crowley are dead. He is the reason you

He's Lucifer's son. He's already stronger than anything I've run into. He's already powerful and strong and he's starting to figure things out. I can't do it. I want to hurt him how he's hurt me. I want him to know the pain that I feel and know that it's because of him that I feel it at all.

I found him stabbing himself in your room. I took the knife and I told him that I'd kill him if the day came that he showed himself to be evil. A part of me regrets it. Another part knows that it's the right thing to do. For anybody. I made that promise to Sam. I've made that promise to other creatures. It's different making that promise to a creature that could kill me by blinking and hasn't shown any kind of weakness. It's different telling that to someone you want me to protect at all costs. That you cared for.

I'm sorry, Cas. I'm not ready for any of this. I'm not ready to protect and teach the son of an evil archangel. I'm not ready to mourn the loss of my mom again. I'm not ready to mourn a friend that was too much of a demon to ever actually be my friend. I'm not ready to delete your number and stop calling it. I'm not ready to stop getting jump scares in the car. I'm not ready to live in a world without my angel. I'm not ready

-DW

Dear Cas,

I heard the words come out of my mouth. I heard them as I yelled. I heard them and I wanted to take them back because now that they're out there it's just that much more real. I heard myself yell that you're dead.

I've lost everything and I'm losing more. I've lost Mom and Crowley and now Missouri. I'm still reeling from losing you. I'm losing Sam and I'm losing me.

If I let myself forgive Jack for everything he has already done and for everything he could possibly do… If I let myself forgive him and let him in and help him like you wanted me to… I'll lose him too. He'll go darkside or someone will have the juice to kill him too. It doesn't matter.

-DW

.

Dean shoved the last three letters that he'd written into the old magazine and covered his face with his hands before blindly reaching for the bottle next to his bed.


	44. Chapter 44

Dear Cas,

I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry I fucked up everything. I'm sorry I wasn't who anybody wanted me to be. I'm not the perfect son or soldier. I'm not the best brother. I'm not even a good friend to have. I'm not the perfect vessel for Michael because I wouldn't say yes. I'm not a good boyfriend or father. I'm not even an okay role model. I don't think I'm even a good man. I have let down everyone in my life. I let down Sam when he thought I abandoned him. I let down Sam when I did abandon him. I let down Dad when I wasn't who he wanted me to be. I let down Mom by being the hunter she never wanted me to become. I let down all the angels. I let down Lisa and Ben. It doesn't matter if they don't remember it. I do. I let down myself on a daily basis but the worst is that I let you down. I let you down time and time again. I'm sorry I'm not a better version of myself.

-DW

Dear Cas,

As you threw me into boxes and slammed your fists into my eyes and jaw I knew I deserved it for when I beat you to shit and walked out. I know it was the mark. I know it was the high that comes after killing over fifty people by yourself. I know it wasn't really me. But it was. It was me when I killed the boy who wasn't a monster. It was me when I beat on you. It was also me that was screaming on the inside as I raised the angel blade with every intention of killing you. It was all me. The mark may have influenced me but I can't forgive myself.

I thought I was going to die there. I thought you were going to kill me in that warehouse. That Sam and Rowena wouldn't find me in time. That, like the mark, Rowena's spell was making you enjoy it. Maybe it was exactly the same. Maybe you were screaming on the inside to stop as you watched yourself beat me. Maybe it was enjoyable since I deserved every punch and more.

I couldn't let you heal me. I know that you probably healed yourself after I left. I know that you probably cleaned up the bodies in the bunker after I left. I know that you probably forgave me instantly. There is no excuse for what I did. The mark or anything else can't excuse it and I need to feel the pain. I need to go through the motions and not let the person I love and hurt to be the one to heal me just like you and purgatory. Just like when you wouldn't let me be the one to get you out of purgatory because you needed to pay for what you did. It's all the same, Cas. I'm sorry.

-DW

Dear Cas,

It doesn't matter how many times I say that I'm sorry. It doesn't matter how sorry I am. Because I'll always be sorry that I'm not good enough. I'll always know that I could have maybe done more. Done better. I will do more and do better. I have to. Then maybe I'll deserve your friendship and i'll deserve the moment that i'll tell you how I feel.

-DW


	45. Chapter 45

Dean looked at his clock. It was just past one in the morning. Everyone else was asleep. He picked up his phone and dialed the number.

"This is my voicemail. Make your voice a mail."

Dean hung up before leaving another message. He put his phone down and closed his eyes before dialing again and pressing the phone to his ear. "Cas," he whispered and hung up again. He opened the drawer on his bedside table and took out his angel's phone.

"43 missed calls from DEAN" blared on the screen. "New Voicemail. Click to call Voicemail."

Dean unlocked the phone and dragged his thumb across the screen debating opening the voicemails to delete them. His thumb hovered over "Gallery."

He clicked it and his heart stopped. Pictures of Dean and Cas filled the majority of the space. A picture of an annoyed looking Dean in the bunker. A selfie from that one time Dean put silly sunglasses on Cas. Dean tying his suit tie in a mirror. Dean laughing. Dean grinning with pie filling on his mouth. Another selfie with Dean and Cas making mock model faces. A selfie of Dean and Cas grinning as wide as they could manage. Dean staring into the trunk of the impala. A bedheaded Dean drinking coffee with closed eyes.

Dean closed the gallery and clicked the voicemail notification. He knew the passcode. Hell, he'd made it for Cas. "You have- nine- new voice messages. You have- thirteen- saved voice messages. To listen to your messa-" Dean pressed one and skipped the first nine that he knew were all from him.

"Hey, Cas. Just checkin' in." Dean listened to his own voice and pressed to listen to the next.

"Cas. Where are you? Haven't heard from you in awhile."

"Hey, Cas. I'm having a conversation with your voicemail since you won't pick up the phone and I have nothing better to do. I mean I'm supposed to be researching but who does that? Anyway. Miss you lots. Call me back."

"I wonder what would be faster. Calling you or praying to you or putting a tracking device in your trench coat. Call me back."

"Cas, I need you. Pick up."

"Casssssssstiel."

"I'm alone in the bunker and I find myself with nothing to do so I'm going to list my favorite pies and quiz you on it later to see if you ever check your voicemail. Okay. Cherry. Apple. Blueberry. Banana Cream. Annnnnnnnnd the last one is so hard to choose but I'll go with Peanut Butter. Okay. Bye."

"Okay, yeah. He's not picking up."

"Do you ever answer your phone? Dammit, Cas. Pick up."

"Cas."

"Cas, I don't know where you are. Call me back. This is important."

"Cas, come back."

"Where are you, Cas?"

"End of messages. To listen to-" Dean hung up and stared at the phone in his shaking hands. He knew he was crying but he didn't move. After a minute he turned off Cas' phone and put it back in his drawer before using his own phone to dial the number one more time.

"Goodnight, angel. I love you." He put his phone on his bedside table and turned out the light to sleep.


	46. Chapter 46

Restless, Dean walked through each room to find some of the missing books. He hesitated at Cas' door before opening it. He only stepped in when he saw a stray book on a shelf. He picked it up and walked out of the room without looking at or touching anything else. As he walked, he flipped through the pages. A folded up letter fell from the pages at his feet. He stopped and flipped until a few more fell. He picked them up and walked quickly to his room before reading them.

Dear Dean,

I am searching for you. I shouldn't have left you alone in that room. I should have brought you and Sam with me and Kelly. Maybe that's why she escaped. If you had been there none of this would have happened. You wouldn't be lost to me.

You have the markings I gave you to hide you from angels. I can feel the longing you feel but there is no direction for it. I can feel it and it's the only evidence that I have that you're even alive.

Your mother has made it clear that I am the reason you and Sam are missing. She's made it clear that I'm the reason Kelly is gone. I'm the reason everything is so messed up. I think she feels bad for how everything happened.

I need you to be safe. I need you to be okay. I need you.

Love,

Castiel

Dear Dean,

It's been a month. I keep searching for you but there's really nothing I can do. I'm trying to keep hunting in your place to even the world out but I keep failing. The only person who will talk to me is Mary and I don't think she likes me very much. I think she blames me still.

I keep starting letters to you as if they will help me find you or help heal the wounds that exist in your absence. I hope to give you letters but not ones of such deep sorrow as these. I hope to never give these to you.

I know you're alive but I don't know if you're well. I don't know where you are or how to help you and it's hurting me. It hurts Mary, too. She sees a useless angel who lost her sons and the mother of Lucifer's child.

I'll continue to search as I continue to hunt and hopefully I'll find you.

Love,

Castiel

Dear Dean,

Why aren't you praying to me? I keep hearing my name in your voice run through my head but nothing more. I tried timing them to see if you were praying at different intervals to help me locate you but it only seems to be random. I can't pray back. I can't find you.

I wish I could pray to you. I would tell you that I'm looking for you. I would tell you to not give up on me because somehow I will help.

I miss you, Dean.

Love,

Castiel

Dear Dean,

I walk into the kitchen expecting to see you and Sam and hear you call me "Sunshine". It's a let down to walk into the room and find your mother give me a look of both small blame and growing appreciation.

She still asks me about fitting in. She thinks we are alike. I can't begin to tell her how different we are for fear of alienating her more when she so badly needs to feel connected to something in this world.

I go on hunts and fail. I come back to the bunker and hope to find you've returned. It never happens. Sometimes it's empty and I'm alone.

Tell me how to find you. Pray to me.

Love,

Castiel


	47. Chapter 47

**SEASON 13 SPOILER ALERT. DO NOT READ UNTIL YOU WATCH 13x05**

Dear Cas,

I look at him and I see the boy you wanted to raise. I see the boy you asked for my help to raise. I hear Sam begging me to give him a chance. I see the eagerness in Jack's eyes. I know he wants me to approve. He wants me to love him and support him and I will. I will now. I can try and I will. For Sam. For Jack. For you.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I can't sleep. I can't look at myself in the mirror. I just can't. It isn't Jack's fault. It's not Sam's fault. It's mine. All of it is mine. It's my fault that you're gone. I could have handled everything else. I have handled everything else before. I grew up without Mom. I can do it again. I lost Dad and I dealt with that. Bobby was a hard loss but I dealt with that too. I can deal with all of it but you. You were supposed to be here. You are supposed to be here.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I found your letters from when I was gone. I found your letters in that book in your room. I found the letters you hid in plain sight in my magazine. I found your letters and I don't know if I can handle it if I find any more. I read your love. I read your heartbreak. I read it and it's all I have left of you. A few folded up, neatly written letters that all say "Love, Castiel"

I love you so much and you're gone. I can't tell you. I can't even pretend that I don't while we sit next to each other. I can't look forward to the stupid rush of walking in the door and seeing you there. It's all gone. I come back to the bunker and there is no hope of you being there. There is no flutter of wings or "Hello, Dean" There's just the empty bunker. The emptiness is the most powerful reminder that you're gone.

I check my phone and there are no messages. There are no texts from you waiting. There is no one waiting on the other end when I call your phone. There is no strange invasion of privacy that comes with living with you. There is nothing.

I try to ignore it. I try to not write. I tried not calling your phone. I tried not drinking myself into a stupor. I've tried, Cas. I try working and watching mindless tv and researching and doing an inventory of every book in the bunker and washing my car and not setting an alarm on my phone in case I do fall asleep. There's nothing for me. I can't solve a case without hurting people around me. I can't think knowing I killed you. I can't live without you, Cas.

-DW


	48. Chapter 48

Dear Cas,

I love you.

-DW

Dear Dean,

I love you.

Love,

Castiel

* * *

 **I will not be posting for a few weeks. My grandfather just died and my family and I are making arrangements and coping. I am no abandoning this story but I need some time to be with my family. Thank you for reading. I promise I'll be back as soon as I can.**


	49. Chapter 49

**SPOILER ALERT FOR SEASON 13**

* * *

Dear Cas,

I tried to stop you. I told you not to go. When you said that it was an angel and that I wasn't allowed all I could think about was the last time you said that to me. The last time you said those words I followed you anyway and it was because of me that you almost died. You would have died if I didn't follow you. You almost died when I did follow you. I'm not going to follow you and you better be okay. I got you back. I got you back for what felt like a second. A single heartbeats worth of time.

I was so happy, Cas. I could have kissed you. I should have kissed you. There's always going to be an excuse. There's always going to be "Well, Sam was right there so I couldn't." or "You were meeting Jack for the first time so.." or "I wanted it to be perfect and it never seemed like the perfect moment." It would have been the perfect moment when my life came rushing back to me as I saw you standing next to the payphone. It would have been and I was stupid and missed the moment. I hugged you and Sam took the next hug and the moment was gone.

Now you're gone again. Just not quite so gone. And Jack is gone which is why you're gone in the first place. There is no right place to be. I could be searching with you if I had protested enough or followed you. I could be searching alone for the single most powerful being in the universe as far as I know but I'm not. I could be doing exactly what I'm doing and running a case to keep myself busy and hope that I hear from you or Jack.

The moment you were gone I regretted it. I should have fought harder. I should have followed you out or stopped you or done everything I could to make you see how much I need you by my side right now. How bad it hurt when you were gone. How bad it hurts every time you're gone.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Sam thinks this Ketch is the twin brother to the Ketch that we all know and hate. I'm not convinced. I look at him and I hate him for what he did. I hate him for asking about our mom. I hate him for existing. I look at him and I know that this is the Ketch that I watched die. I know it even if his tattoo is gone. I know it no matter how many records Sam finds to prove the opposite to be true. I know.

I got you back but mom is gone. She's in another universe, killed by Lucifer. I don't know if there's an alternate reality Heaven that she's going to or what but I doubt I'll see her again even if I do search this Heaven. Ketch may not have actually killed her, but I saw what he did to her mind. I was there. I saw her own world that she was living in and she almost chose it. I'm not going to get my mom back and he's going to pay for it.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I wish I'd told you. I keep waking up from dreams and just wishing I'd kissed you. That I'd told you I love you. I know you know from you reading the letters but you don't know that I found yours. You don't know that I want to or that I'm kicking myself over not.

I wake up and think that right now is perfect. The bunker is quiet and I can go find you in the library or your room or walking around silently because you're back. But you left. And I can walk around in the dark bunker and look for you all I want but I won't find you.

I don't want to pray it to you either. I want to tell you where I can see your face. Where when I'm done telling you I can kiss you. Where we are close enough that I can just give you this fucking notebook.

-DW

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **Thank you for your love and support. I am still struggling and healing but I got a kick of inspiration so I hope y'all love it. Love each other and yourselves because it's important. Love you all.**


	50. Chapter 50

Cas,

I had a life before I met you. I had everything figured out. I was an expendable hunter. I was my brother's protector. I was my father's soldier. I was unseen and easily forgotten. I slept when I was tired. I ate when I was hungry. I flirted and schmoozed my way to new information or just into a girl's pants. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered because I didn't matter.

My whole life was supposed to be a blank slate. Protect Sammy. Kill the monsters. Save Sammy. Hunt. Kill. Save. I went years with that. Years knowing that I meant nothing to anybody. Knowing that I would die young and that nobody but maybe my brother would miss me. Then you saved me.

You saved me and suddenly I don't want to sleep with anything that has two legs. I don't want to be completely forgotten. I don't want to mean nothing. I want to mean something to you. I want to matter even just a little to the angel that sits on my shoulder. Even if it's just the angel that cares. I had a routine of being forgotten and letting people think shit about me. I had my invisible life of a hunter and that was fine but it isn't anymore.

I have more people in my life now since you showed up than I ever did before. I have a phone with contacts to other hunters. I have people that I call my friends and family. I have more than just my baby brother now. I don't think I would if you hadn't been here.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I was never supposed to matter. I was meant to be invisible. I was meant to be forgotten. Forget me.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I kill everything that surrounds me. I watch the world around me crumble and I see that it would be better without me. Then I remember that without me, you wouldn't be here either. And I see the destruction of angels but I see the light that follows you. I see the wounds you heal, the runes you draw, the perfection and recreation that you bring to the world and I think that maybe it's even with you here. Maybe it wouldn't be worth it to have just me around because I murder everything but you cancel it out with your good.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I remember seeing your true face when I was a demon. I dream of it still. The memory is burned in my brain. I wish I could see it again. I remember watching it fade. I remember looking up to see you and Sam standing side by side and watching your human face return in place of what I know to be your true angelic form. I didn't deserve to see it then. No demon does. But I love it all the same and wish to see it again.

-DW


	51. Chapter 51

**SEASON 13 SPOILER ALERT**

Cas sat in his small dark cell with his eyes closed as he wrote letters in his head. Dean would never read these especially if he never made it out of his cell.

Dear Dean,

I prayed to you even though I am well aware that you don't have the ability to hear prayers. It was all I could think of to do. I am in danger and you have no idea. You might think I've abandoned you and Jack. As long as I'm here and Jack is not, I'll know that not everything is as terrible as it seems from inside this cell. At first I wanted you to walk through the doors of Hell and save me from this prison. I had a second thought. If you're not here, saving me, then you are topside and safe. That thought is much more reassuring. It has made me stop wanting you to come here to save me.

I had hoped that you wouldn't have tried to kill Jack in my absence. I was relieved to find you both living at the bunker. I know the disappointment that Jack feels. I remember following orders from Heaven and having to learn from you and Sam the difference between right and wrong. I had to learn how to forgive myself for killing innocent people by accident or mistake. Jack has to learn it for himself. He has always been good hearted and his first innocent kill will hurt him the most. You will find him. You have to find him.

In The Empty I woke up because a voice said my name. I didn't know the voice until I met Jack. A creature in The Empty woke because of me. I don't know how long I was there. I know that it tortured me with my past mistakes. It made me live through each and every one. I sit here, in this dark cell of mine, and the many looks of hurt and disappointment that I just relieved are seared into my mind.

I don't think I will live through this. Asmodeus has my phone and uses my voice. I fear that I won't make it out or see you, your brother, or Jack again. I sit next to my fallen brother in jail. We haven't discussed how I'm alive or how he made it out of the alternate universe. Now that we're in prison, it isn't safe to ask why his powers don't work or to talk about how either of us is alive.

I just got back. I just got you back and now I'm gone. I shouldn't have gone alone to the gates of Heaven. I should have accepted your offer to come with me. I thought I wouldn't run the risk of attack if you were far from me. I'm not as safe with angels as I thought I would be. I had forgotten their wrath and their torment even though I had just lived through it in The Empty. I did want you by my side. I should have accepted.

I love you, Dean Winchester. Stay safe.

Love,

Your Angel,

Castiel


	52. Chapter 52

Dear Cas,

There's something about hunting. I can be chasing down evil or it's chasing me but around me? No one's running. No one knows about the high speed chase or the serial murders or the imminent danger that surrounds their town or loved ones. I can walk through someone's home with my EMF reader and I walk by family photos on the walls, Christmas trees with wrapped presents, messy rooms of teenagers, average family life. I see it and am constantly surrounded by it but I can't touch it.

My family photos are in a drawer by my bed, not a wall in a clean frame. Their edges are worn and the color is fading. The last Christmas tree I had was the Christmas before I was dragged down to hell and Sam didn't even want to participate. My rooms growing up were never stationary. It was in different hotel rooms all around the country or the living room at Bobby's. The mess that was my room then was the same mess I have now: case boards, food wrappers, and weapons. I think I might have had an average life a long time ago. I was too little to remember it. I got a glimpse of what it might have looked like when the Djin showed me but that wasn't real.

I surround myself with people I deem family but there is nothing average about my family. There is no singular home that resembles an all American house. There is no Christmas tree at the holidays. There are no pictures on the walls. I have Sam. I have you. Maybe that's enough.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I woke up with my shoulders burning from you pulling me out of hell again. I woke up gripping my own shoulders so tight I ripped the sleeve of my shirt. I hate those dreams but I love them a little too. I hate them because of the memories and waking up in a cold sweat. I love them because in the end it's a dream where you save me. It's a memory where you saved me.

I sit in the dark and trace your long gone handprints on my shoulders and part of me wants them to still be there. I want the constant reminder instead of the jarring nightmares to tell me not to forget.

-DW

Dear Cas,

After my first hunt as a kid I used a school notebook as my hunter's journal. I would put a tally mark for every monster I killed or helped kill. I burned that notebook and all of the schoolwork that was in it the day I killed my first innocent person. Dad had sent me back to the hotel and left to go finish the job without me and I burned the notebook in the bathroom sink while I cried. Sam didn't ask questions. Dad didn't either when he came back.

-DW


	53. Chapter 53

**Season 13 Spoiler Alert. Watch Midseason Finale before reading.**

Both angel and hunter prayed to each other in vain. Cas prayed in his cell knowing that Dean would never hear him but Dean prayed with the hope that Cas could hear him.

Cas,

Please hear me. I don't know what happened. I don't know what went wrong. I don't know where I am. At least when this happened in Purgatory I knew that you were there… Somewhere. I don't know if we're even in the same universe right now. Sam and I need help. I need help. I don't think Jack is with us but if he is, I'll find him. I promise you that.

If you can hear me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't follow you. I should have kept you as close as possible when you came back. I need you to be the one who is safe right now so you can get me back so I can tell you how sorry I am. I hope you're in the bunker looking for us and hearing this. Please be safe. For once. Be safe.

-DW

Dear Dean,

I know you can't hear me still. I know that I'm talking to myself to keep myself from losing hope. I know you will never hear these or read these prayers (letters) that I write silently every day. I remember what it was once like to have no free will. What it was like to have no hope. I was an Angel of the Lord and nothing else. I had my mission; my single agenda. That was my life.

I find myself in a cell in the depths of Hell instead of being held hostage in Heaven's prison. I don't know which is worse. As long as I'm in Hell I can listen to Asmodeus use my voice to call you and speak of his plans for Jack. If I were in Heaven I would be more blind.

Worry is starting in at the edges of my mind as Asmodeus mentions that you've stopped answering your phone. You've stopped calling. I can only hope that you know I'm in danger and are going to bust through the doors of Hell at any moment. The worry tells me that we're both in trouble. The worry tells me that you need me as much as I need you and that neither of us are in a position to help. The worry is beginning to win. The longer I sit in the dark, the faster my hope dies.

I love you, Dean Winchester. Even if you believe otherwise.

Love,

Your Castiel


	54. Chapter 54

Dear Cas,

There's something funny about all of this. There's something about being told that I was never meant for anything more than being my father's soldier, my brother's protector, a mindless hunter for my entire life and then things shifting just that much. Sam telling me that I'm not just dad's soldier, heaven's angels all coming to tell me that I belong to some fucked up plan, you telling me I'm meant for more. Going my entire life not thinking of myself, not allowing myself to live like I thought other people deserved, then falling in love. Not just falling in love, though. Falling in love with an angel. A species I never thought could exist. A species I can't seem to get on the good side of because they're all assholes. Except the one. Except you.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I haven't sat to watch the sunset alone in ages. I missed it tonight. By the time I came out here, the sky was dark, the Sun was gone, and everything had already gone to sleep. I can sit out here all I want, writing under the headlight of the impala and no one will bother me. You've been missing for days. Sam probably thinks I either went to bed or am out at a bar. No one else in the world is looking for me.

I'm tempted to drive. I'm tempted to just drive for days and find myself somewhere else but there's no point. It doesn't matter where you go. The monsters are still under the bed, the things that go bump in the night are still lurking, the evil is still there. When I want to drive away I remember that Sam did drive away. He drove away and was gone for years until my sorry ass dragged him back in. I can't leave anyway. There are more people to save. There's always more.

-DW

Dear Cas,

Every once in awhile I have the same dream I had the first time I found out that Sam had an interview to go to Law school. I hate the dream but part of me loves it. I only love it because I get to see Sam be successful. A few things have changed in it over the years, though.

The dream starts with me getting my dumbass arrested. There was no way out of the cuffs or the room or something. I don't remember what I couldn't escape but end result was that I couldn't escape. The coppers told me I'd have a lawyer appointed to me if I couldn't afford one. Next thing I know, Sammy is walking into the room. He used to have a wedding ring on his hand and short dorky hair. He used to grimace and sit down opposite me. Now he's not married, his hair is longer but styled in a way that is appropriate for some big shot lawyer. He walks into the room and there's a small smile before he stifles it and leans against the wall.

The rest of the dream is basically the same. We go to court together. There is no way for Sam to turn the case around and let me go free so I'm found guilty of every charge. I used to go to jail, though. I used to walk away with the cops to go off to jail. Now I get dragged to hell. Now I scream for Sam to help as I'm dragged away.

The first time I dreamed that alternate ending was the first time I slept after meeting you for the first time. I wake up before there's a chance to be saved. I wake up to save myself because you might not show up if I leave it up to the chance that you (dream you, anyway) can make an appearance in a dream like that.

Thanks for actually saving me. From the hell I couldn't just wake up from.

-DW

Dear Cas,

There's nothing worse than falling in love. You will probably never have that problem and if you do, it won't be with some dumb ass human.

-DW


	55. Chapter 55

**SEASON 13 SPOILER ALERT**

* * *

Dear Cas,

Sam and I are on our way back to the bunker. My phone is out of battery so I can't call you to tell you to meet us there but hopefully you heard the prayer I sent. I prayed a lot and I don't know if you got them or not because of where I was.

Too much happened. Angel ambush. Dreamwalker and Nephilim power. Sam and I ended up alone in a weird place for days. I think it was what Kaia called "the bad place". There were a lot of things a lot bigger than us and one that was smaller but took us both out. Claire and Kaia found us in time to escape but Kaia didn't make it. Claire wouldn't talk. To anyone.

Before it all happened, Jack showed us what he'd seen using another dreamwalker. He showed us Apocalypse World and where Mom was. He showed us that she was alive. Being tortured, but alive. When you died, I lost hope for everything and everyone. To me, watching you die, I watched everyone I love die too. If you were gone it meant that Mom had to be dead too. I had already accepted that Mom was gone by the time you came back and I was too relieved and happy to have you back to even think about the possibility that anyone else could possibly be alive.

Now Jack is in the wrong universe alone. He's alone in a world with Lucifer and my Mom but I have no way of getting him back. He's been our responsibility and all I've done is fail him. I will get him back and bring Mom back too.

For now, though, we're going home. To you. See you soon.

-DW

Dear Cas,

I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't this. Worry is all I have now that I'm at the bunker with Sam and you aren't here. Where are you?

-DW


	56. Chapter 56

**Season 13 spoilers at the end.**

* * *

Dear Cas,

I have no hunter's journal. Maybe I thought I would always be hunting with Dad. Maybe I figured I'd die young enough that I wouldn't have learned anything of value. Now I'm one of the most well known hunters and I don't have a journal. Sure, Chuck wrote Sam and I's entire lives. You can buy the books for ninety nine cents each at any geek store. But these letters. The letters I write to you and hide in hopes that no one will ever find them? These letters are the closest thing I will ever have to a hunter's journal. When I die there will be no one to pick up my old journal and learn from it. I can't just pull these letters out and find the magical one that pertains to any one case that I might be on at any given moment. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe every hunter has already read the Supernatural books. Maybe no one will care or need for my journal like I've needed Dad's and Bobby's. Maybe.

-DW

Dear Cas,

You don't know what it's like to sit down and pour your thoughts and love into writing a letter to your best friend and hiding it away. You don't know what it's like to read and reread your own dumb scribblings and know that the intended recipient will never know how you feel. Part of me hopes that even if you have the capacity to fall in love, that you never will because it wouldn't be me. It could be me talking or the case of beers that I emptied a few minutes ago. I have watched so many soaps with the whole "I just want you to be happy" but that's shit. I want you to be happy with me.

-DW

Dear Cas,

There's these letters. There's phones. There's prayers. There's talking to you in dreams or in real life face to face but I seem unable to tell you the truth. I can write how much I love you. I can write to you every day and it won't matter. I get phone calls and I call you but that isn't how I want to tell you the truth. I have prayed. I have asked for help, begged you to come back, told you I needed you. But never that I love you. Dreams are different. There are times when the you in my dream is just a dream and times, like when we first met, and you'd be there asking for a more secure place to talk. I can tell only one of my dreams that I love you. Face to face fails me too. You're an angel. Even if you can fall in love, I doubt it could ever be with me. There's no point in telling you. No point in ripping myself apart for rejection and the awkward silence that would inevitably follow. I can't tell you. So I write to you. And I hope it's enough to keep me quiet.

-DW

Dean hugged the old magazine to his chest as he sat alone in his room. Something was wrong. Cas called everyday but there was no mention of anything Cas had left to do. There was nothing. Sam didn't think there was anything wrong though. Not with Cas at least. Dean ran his thumb over the cover of the pages before setting the magazine down and turning out the light. Something was wrong but there was nothing he could do. Yet.


	57. Chapter 57

**Season 13 Spoiler Alert! Watch S13E13 before reading on!**

* * *

Cas walked through the now quiet bunker and silently kicked himself over how the reunion went. He could hear Dean calling him stupid for meeting with Lucifer and he replayed his own retaliations. He heard the pain in Dean, saying how if he'd know Cas was in danger… Cas was standing outside of Dean's room. He hadn't read a single letter since he'd died and gone to the Empty. Had Dean kept writing?

Cas knew Dean was sleeping from the sound of is even snoring. He took the magazine from the floor and found his way back to his room. He hadn't actually entered this room since he'd died either. The pillows were on the floor. Cas checked them and found none of his stashed letters. He leafed through the magazine and found them all together pressed between pages.

Cas checked the clock on the dresser. It was two in the morning. He had two to four hours before Dean would wake up. He searched for new letters and found them. As he read through Dean's heartbreak and grief, revival and happiness, and about where Dean was while Cas had been in Hell's jail, Cas forgave Dean. He forgave the argument. He let go of the small amount of anger that had built up in jail for the days that Dean did not show.

Dear Dean,

I love you and now I know that you read my letters, too. I had thought, since you didn't say anything since either of my two returns, that you still hadn't read a single letter of mine. You have. You even found the incomplete ones in my room. I don't know what's stopping you anymore. I can read your letters all day and I can read them telling me that you don't know how to tell me yet. You don't have to. I already know. I still wait because I still don't understand what keeps you from confronting me or the truth. You and I both know I have an eternity and if that's what it takes, an eternity I will wait for you.

Love,

Your Cas

Cas folded the letter neatly and put it into the magazine. He went back to Dean's room and put it back on the floor, only staying a moment to fix Dean's blanket that was now falling off the bed. Cas looked over his shoulder as he left the room, waiting for Dean to call him back. When it didn't happen he closed the door gently and walked quietly back to the library.


	58. Chapter 58

Dear Cas,

Happy Valentine's Day! This is it. This is the year. This is the time I'm going to tell you. I lost you once since last year and it ripped me apart. Without you I lost sight of everything. I'd never felt more joy than the moment you were back in my life, alive and beautiful as ever. So this time. It has to be the time. I love you with everything I've got. Here I go.

Love,

Dean

Dean stood outside of Cas' room holding the valentine he'd just made and the old magazine under it. He almost knocked, let his hand fall, and clenched his fist at his side. It was the dead of night. No one else would be awake but Cas. Dean was supposed to be doing so many other things right now and none of them involved proclaiming his love for his angelic best friend in the middle of the night. Dean dropped the Valentine and walked away, hating himself a little more with every step he took away from Cas.

Cas looked at the Valentine he'd made for Dean. He'd copied one of Dean's old valentines and made a red heart with glitter. There was only one word written on it: "Dean." Cas put it down again on his side table and looked over at his door wondering if he should bring it to Dean. A spot of red under the door caught it eye.

Cas slid the red heart out from under the door. On the side that was facing up was just a single word that made Cas grin. "Castiel" was written across the heart with black wings sketched behind it. He turned it over and read Dean's writing. He kissed the valentine gently and put it in his side table, smiling to himself. Dean loved him and that was all that mattered.

* * *

 **Happy Valentine's Day Everyone! I love you all for reading and loving this story!**


	59. Chapter 59

**Season 13 Spoiler Alert! Watch S13E14 before continuing!**

* * *

Dear Dean,

I know that you're angry. I'm aware of the frustration as I feel it too. You and Sam think that the nice thing to do for Donatello was to let him live. It was both hazardous and counterintuitive to let him live. I was forced to do the cruel thing and reach into his already scrambled mind and force him to become brain dead. Which is worse, do you think? To be kept alive longer than you were meant to when you have no brain functionality at all or to die a peaceful death and move on?

I don't think you understand why I did what I did. I watched the computer screen show me as you stopped breathing. I watched and I panicked and for the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't get to you fast enough it seemed and by the time I did reach you, your breathing had returned. It might have been selfish for me to want Donatello dead after watching him do that to you.

If I had left him alive and untouched, Asmodeus would have learned the spell before us. He might already have it. A soulless, corrupted prophet is not a being we want alive by any means. He had already led us astray with a fake spell, setting you and I up for a fight that he didn't think we could survive. He attacked Sam. We still don't know what kind of information he's already given to Asmodeus. I just know the spell and the few things that I picked up in the brain of the mad prophet. I didn't tell you but I know how Asmodus got close to Donatello. I know that he used my image and my voice. I know that Donatello was past good and evil. He was a chaotic mess of corruption and confusion. I could have put him out of his misery and found a second prophet but instead he screamed until his brain stopped.

I would apologize to you but I'm not sorry. I did as I was told. I didn't kill him and I protected you, Sam, and the information that was at risk. I got the spell we were looking for and I helped three humans survive that of a soulless and crazed prophet.

Love,

Cas


	60. Chapter 60

Dean sat with his pen poised above the page but there was nothing to write. There was nothing that Cas didn't already know. He knew about the Scooby Doo adventure. He had been there. He knew how Dean felt. He'd read all the letters. He'd written back. Dean wrote the two words that began almost every letter. "Dear Cas,"

Dean looked at his messy writing and tore the top of the page off and wrote it again. "Dear Cas," It was somehow messier and Dean tore it off again, crumpling it up before tossing it into the trash. He ran his hand through his hair making all of it stand up. He let out a long breath and tried again. "Dear Cas," Instead of ripping it, he crumpled up the whole page and threw it.

"Cas." Dean whispered out loud. He shut his eyes and covered his face as his stomach filled with those butterflies everyone's always talking about. "Fuck." Dean groaned and shook his head before grabbing a new page. He wrote one last time, "Dear Cas," and then he went to the bottom of the page and wrote "Love, Dean". There was nothing but the four words on the page.

Dean got up and paced the length of his room, not daring to look over at the discarded letter, pen, and notebook. He glanced at the clock that told him it was past three in the morning and he still hadn't slept. He'd been doing this for three hours.

"Cas." Dean whispered again. He sat on the floor with his back leaning against his bed. It was four when Dean got back up off the floor and picked up the pen again. He only added five words in the exact center of the page. "I'm in love with you."

Dean leaned back and closed his eyes against the light in his bedroom and whispered a single phrase he'd taught himself. "Ol aziazor elasa, Castiel."

Cas held the letter he'd written to Dean and never given in his hands outside of Dean's room. He had been about to go into the room when he heard Dean whisper in enochian, "I love you, Castiel."

"Ol aziazor elasa, Dean." Cas whispered back and walked back to his room with a small smile.


	61. Chapter 61

Dear Cas,

I'm sorry but I'm not going to put you in danger. I'm not going to pray to you or call you to tell you that I'm leaving. Stay here. Help your brother and let my brother help you. I will come home to you.

Love,

Dean

The single note lay folded on Cas' neat bed waiting for the angel to return.


	62. Chapter 62

**SEASON 13 SPOILER ALERT**

* * *

Dean stood at Cas' bedroom door in the dead of night holding the magazine with every photo, every letter, every scrap of evidence that he was in love with his best friend. The rest of the bunker was quiet as Sam, Jack, Mary, and every apocalypse world refugee slept. Dean knocked once.

Cas opened the door and Dean stepped inside, his heart hammering against his chest. Cas closed the door silently and waited for Dean to speak. Dean turned around slowly to face Cas and left his face unguarded.

"You know what I'm going to say." Dean couldn't look away from Cas' blue eyes.

"Yes."

"I'm in love with you. I have been and will be in love with you no matter what. You know that." Dean waited. Cas nodded and stepped forward. The magazine dropped from Dean's hands as he pulled Cas into a hug. His fingers in Cas' hair and finally his angel's arms tight around him.

"I love you." Cas said into Dean's shoulder. Dean pulled away just enough to see Cas' face before leaning in and pressing his lips to the angel's. Cas kissed back gently. Dean broke the kiss and leaned his forehead against Cas'.

"Goodnight, Cas." Dean whispered. He kissed Cas again before leaving the room. Cas looked down at the floor where the notebook lay and smiled.

...

Dean and Michael had gone. Cas walked back to his room silently, his entire body too heavy. He opened the drawer of the nightstand next to his always made bed and ran his fingers over the magazine.

...

 _Dear Cas._

 _Cas._

 _To Cas._

 _To Castiel._

 _The hunter with the dirty flannel that's in love with you._

 _Love, Dean._

 _Dean._

 _DW._

 _I love you Castiel. I love you._


End file.
